Hello,

I'm 24 and I recently had an argument with my parents. This may seem mundane -- and the cause of the argument certainly was so, as you will see -- but I think it really highlights something I have been noticing more and more for the last five years or so, and I really question my responsibility for it. I hope my relation of the facts will not be too confusing.

To give you some context, I am my parents' only child, and there is not a single day I do not feel grateful towards them for all they provided me with, especially love and good education. I have to admit, however, that I am quite cold and introvert (it seems that I was a 'high potential' child), so that I do not particularly express that thankfulness. I have no problem being grateful and cheerful towards other people, though, because it would impolite not to (and God knows that was a long lesson for me to learn when I was a child, and a frustrating one for my parents to teach, all due to my shyness) -- but I have thought my parents know me so well that they know how much I care for them without me needing to say it again and again (besides, hugs say it all, I think). On the other hand, I freely criticize them when I think it is justified. On balance, my attitude could seem harsh to an external viewer, but I expect my parents to know the truth and be used to it.

So I have always been a good boy, albeit a shy one. As a child, I would say my parents always supported me without being too intrusive. My mom even insisted that I became more autonomous. I practically left home five years ago for college; I even spent two years studying abroad. My parents remained very supportive (both mentally and materially) during the whole process. I usually called them every day for 10-15 minutes, at their request, but also because I care a lot and worry about them. Now I'm back in the country, found a job and my own home (about 4 hours far from our family home), and I still call them everyday -- although I wish I could do it less frequently.

Yet, things have changed. I feel that my mother has become simultaneously more and more (over)protective and less and less open-minded. I now have to refrain to mention when I go out, otherwise she will insist that I message her when I'm back home. Same goes for common health issues: I have to listen to her (mostly irrelevant) advice religiously whenever I mention having caught a cold, even if I tell her I have seen a doctor (which she is not, by the way). Of course, she always has the best opinion on how I should do things and shares it even if I do not ask for it. She feels irritated when I comment on it negatively -- other people irritate her too. When she comes to my place, she cannot help bringing items I never asked for or even need. My parents even paid for my furniture -- to be fair, I was happy with them doing so, even though I would have liked purchasing it myself. Now there seems to be a tacit counterpart to that generosity which I discovered only too late: I should feel indebted and, to a certain extent, be as accomodating as if I were only 15. For instance, when my mom comes to my place, she behaves as if she were home, making endless suggestions, reorganizing things to suit her vision, etc. More importantly, she sees it as a 'pied-à-terre' where she can stay whenever she wants to visit the city. Granted, she came and stayed here only three times in the last six months, with my permission.

My father on the other hand perfectly understands my need for more autonomy and is well aware of my mother's tendency to be overprotective. Yet, he regularly offers to buy things for me. This is all very generous, but I really feel like a spoilt child (which I am), and I hate it. Sometimes I accept because I know it pleases my parents, although I think I should not. That being said, he underwent severe depression recently and attempted to commit suicide a few months ago (I had to call the police on him) for no tangible reason -- according to his therapist, he is now out of trouble. Moreover, he has always had a lot of health issues, and his family has a strong history of both physical and mental conditions. This is the reason why I prefer staying far from home, while staying in touch with my parents daily. I cannot help worrying for them.

Going on to the recent argument now, I have not seen my parents since Easter, and we agreed that they would come and see me this weekend (which starts on Thursday and is a national holiday here). That way, they would also be able to bring me some items I left at home. I am quite busy at work these times, and thus also quite tired. Therefore, when they announced that they would come on Wednesday evening, I refused and told them rather to come on Thursday morning, which would make no difference for them. My dad had no objection, but my mom instantly refused and started arguing that I was very rude and ungrateful, so that they would not come at all -- I reckoned she just had a bad day at work. So when I called them back the next day, I asked whether they were still OK coming on Thursday. My father told me they would come on Wednesday evening, so I had to explain again that this was not an option, but that they were welcome the next morning. I had to insist for him to utter something that vaguely resembled an agreement. As a side note, they have the keys to my appartment ; just imagine what would happen if I had a date that evening... My mom was harder to convince and bluntly asked whether they were disturbing me -- I sounded so, she said -- and offered just to drop my belongings and go somewhere else. When the call ended, I thought I finally had convinced them. Shortly thereafter, my dad called back with his angry voice and told me I had crossed the line, that they were fed up with me and not visiting me anymore; I had no time to reply before he hung up. I am not sure how to interpret this, as my father has a strong habit of switching mood unpredictably and becoming very angry towards me for no reason (psychiatrists said he is not bipolar, though). However I would have expected my mother to call back to calm down the situation, which she did not.

Clearly, I feel my parents have changed in what I believe is the wrong direction. At the same time, I wonder if it is not my fault for not being thankful enough and thus frustrating them. Do you have any idea about all this? I would really like to put a bit more distance between me and them and normalize our relationship, but I don't know if I should.

Thank you.