Sinking, it's obvious your therapist cares a lot about you. And why can't you go back to her? If seeing her makes you feel even a little better? And would you consider an inpatient stay, if your therapist approved it? You're in such awful, unbearable pain...
Another thing is, Sinking, that it's really easy to think oneself into a deep hole where you consider all possible options for the future, they all look dark and pointless, and you conclude that things will never get any better, and you decide that life will never be worth living. But life doesn't tend to be like that. It can be full of twists and turns, and it truly is impossible to know our own futures. As some people say, "God works in mysterious ways", or the Universe, or the Higher Power, or whatever you might call it. You don't have to have a religious faith to observe that happening around you all the time.
Not all lives follow a prescribed pattern, or develop in conventional ways.
When I woke up in the middle of the night last night, I thought about you, sending positive thoughts your way. I hoped you were still alive.