Yes Mopey, i know my T cares. she has texted me a few more times during the day and i cried like a baby when she did and i told her so. i cant see her because im afraid i'll change my mind or she'll suggest something else to try.

i do not want palliative cures. IP, hospitals, more meds, going to live with parents for a while etc. because after the "crisis" passes it will all come back as before and it will have been a useless waste of time and hopes.

i truly have tried evything i could to make my life better or worth to be lived but nothing worked because im not made to be alive or to live in this world. its too hard. i cant make it.

tonight my parents came at my flat and i vented a bit with them telling them how badly im living my life alone. they got a glimpse of my agony but i doubt they expect another attempt. but maybe with the hindsight they'll be better able to understand why i see and saw it as my only choice or option.

unfortunately i do not believe in positive changes in life because mine has gone from bad to worse since i was a child. i am sure things will not get better and im sure my life is not and will not be worth living. im only a disappointment and a pain and a reason to suffer for my parents. they do not deserve that as i do not think i deserve or want to keep living like this.

Thank you for trying to let me see the positive silver lining in life.

but my life is doomed. its since i was an early teen that i knew i would have died by suicide. reasons have changed during the years but the tought is still there. i do not see other options.

Thank you for your warmth and constant support. it means to me more than i can say.

i have it all planned out. im not sure 100% i'll succeed but i hope so. if i do, i'll watch over you from the above wishing you all the best always. you are and have been an angel to me. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love and takecare

ps. maybe i've found a way not to be alone in those moments but on the phone with a volunteer. that would help a lot. i hope it will be possible