I had been feeling some pretty intense ET towards him last night, and I told him a bit about that. I told him I had thought about having sex with him and thought about coming to session and telling him just how I'd f*** him. I said I had wanted to feel those intense feelings when I came to session, but I knew I wouldn't. T said 'and you're not?' I said I am deliberately keeping myself in a thinking place not a feeling place.
T said we have a choice, we can continue to talk about it, or I can experiment with feeling it, or we can do something else. I felt that was permission to let myself feel the in love feelings. They just engulfed me. I was looking at him thinking I want to touch him, I want him to hold me. I want to feel his skin. I couldn't say any of that. I just said 'I love you'.

As the feeling washed over me and felt less intense, I started to tell him what I had been thinking and how I couldn't say it. I said it felt infant-like. I couldn't express needs because it was too painful to acknowledge that need and have it unmet, but the fantasies I had were craving touch, skin to skin contact. I said how I have been told I was a "good baby" because I rarely cried, but actually i think i just never expressed the needs because I knew it wouldn't be met, so I had to pretend to myself I didn't have those needs.
I talked about how there is a lot of fantasy about just being held by him. He asked me if I ever have that kind of touch in my life. I said I used to, but not these days.
I said that my fantasies sometimes turn to sex with T, and I think that relates to the desire to merge. He said yes, sex can be a number of things, it can be two people becoming 'one's, it can be communicating something, it can be making babies, I said "yeah, and it can be having fun. One thing I sometimes think about when I think about having sex with you is that I would give you a good time". He looked kinda flustered or maybe a bit coy at that. Didn't say anything.
Can't quite remember where the conversation went then, but it ended up that I brought up the hug we had a few weeks ago where I felt him pull me into him quite strongly. I asked if he remembered that. He said yes. I asked what was happening for him then. He said he thinks he felt protective of me. I said I felt protected, also wanted. T said "what was it like saying that? Seemed like it was difficult for you, or you had some kind of response to it?". I replied "I think I was responding more to what I didn't say. Which was that when you did that, I liked the feeling of you being in control, and I felt like I wanted to let you take total control and f*** me right there on the carpet.".
T was visibly taken aback. He said "I can see why you didn't say that the first time.". I asked about how he felt about it and he said its fine, a little scary, but fine. I asked what is scary. He said "well, people don't say that kind of thing to me very often!" He said that it feels 'a little close to the edge'. I said "what edge?" He said to clarify, its still miles and miles from the edge, but it just makes him aware of the existence of an edge and that's a little bit scary. I said "is the edge something I could say?" He said no, the edge is sexual behaviour (I didn't get the sense that the thinks I would engage in sexual behaviour, just that the sexuality in our relating is at the surface and he finds that scary). I wanted to press him further on exactly what he meant but we were over time. I do get that what he is saying is that it is a big responsibility to hold those boundaries appropriately and still allow me to express myself in the ways that I need. We stood up and hugged, and then i left.

I felt quite exhilarated by the conversation between us, to be honest. When that died down, I was left feeling a bit vulnerable, but I'm okay. Its tough, deep, messy, historical, here and now, mixed up stuff. He's the right person to hold it all for me.