Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv
I don’t understand why I can’t get through to you about the ring. If your parent was giving you the amount of money you needed for the center stone of the ring, wouldn’t you at least discuss that with them one way or another? That is what this was. I was not imposing any particular stone on them. The stone was to be traded for one of their choice. That is how the jewelry business works sometimes. Instead, he ignored me and spent at least 3x the amount he could have for the same ring. Was I wrong to be so giving to my beloved son? That’s up for debate.
Yes, we are guilty of supporting them through undergrad. They spent so little money beyond college and meal plan. They never even had cars because they didn’t need them. We wanted them to completely focus on their very difficult studies and get A’s. Our engineer son did work in engineering for the college as part of his program and they paid him a little. This son did work at his college as a tutor in his area of study and they paid him a little. We were all for this, as it furthered his career. But then he didn’t follow up on that job and lost it to more ambitious students. He was supposed to do other non-paid jobs to further his career, but he didn’t. Instead, he worked the ff job, keeping it from us, in order to have the independence to get an apartment and a dead end company job in order to please her. I get it. That’s his choice. He’s a grown man. Maybe he’ll love his life and I hope he does. He did it in a shady way, concealing it from us rather than including us in his choices. I’m sure this was because he knew we would try to talk him out of it and back on the path of a successful career including grad school. He’s very smart, and I am sure he will rise to the top no matter what path he chooses.
And yes, I am very grateful he is doing as well as he is and not a drug addict risking his very life. If that were the case, I’d deal with that in any way I could help.
You may be right about the jobs though, Divine. Our youngest son could get a part time job while still in high school. He’s struggling in his core subjects because he isn’t putting in enough study time. I could encourage him to be a grocery clerk and accept those low grades.  |
You seem to have very black and white “either or” thinking on the matter. Are these the only alternatives?
You either support your children financially or they become drug addicts and risk their lives? How so? I don’t get this alternative. Of course we are glad if our kids aren’t drug addicts, it’s kind of a given
Another black and white alternative: they either don’t work and have good grades or they work and have bad grades. It seems very drastic. If they truly can’t have good grades and work even few part time hours a week in undergrad (not talking medical school here), most certainly they shouldn’t work. Why such extremes. But I’d also look into if they are in the right program. If working few hours a week is causing bad grades, something needs to be looked at? Do they take too many classes or need tutoring?
If they have no time to work though and need to study a lot, it’s understandable but then they shouldn’t date either. It’s time consuming and it’s not a requirement. Perhaps dating causing bad grades more than other stuff?
You don’t have to convince me about ring, I am not the one having an issue with it. If you feel he had to use your diamond, then it’s fine. But if he is a grown man with his own life he and his future wife could do whatever they want about getting a ring or no ring or two rings. If he isn’t seen by you as a grown man, then I can see how it’s upsetting he doesn’t do things your way. But being upset didn’t accomplish anything, you had a meltdown, he knew it. He knows you dislike his bride (going by what you shared before). Perhaps it causes distance now. Maybe it could be mended or maybe he just needs space for now.
Sometimes we have to give up control and let kids go if you still want a relationship with them. They might choose wrong partners (or the ones we think as wrong). They might marry out of faith (which likely is one of your issues with your son), they might have a wedding not to your liking. And they know when you object. But you got to give up. It’s not always easy. But what’s the alternative? Not having relationship with them or having it so limited? I am not saying we have to put up with abuse from kids, of course not but their choice of partners and life style is not really our business. Not in 2019.