In my original post I focused on what I find wrong, but otherwise I don't have to complain about my parents. It's just that this recent argument definitely convinced me that there is a basic problem that I should solve before it is too late.
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees
I think you said they pay for your residence, among other things. Do I have that right? I don't think it's possible for you to set boundaries with your parents (essential for a healthy adult life) while also relying on them financially. Have you thought about a plan for financial independence? Does that seem possible to you? Even if not overnight but in the next few months or year....whereby you would pay everything in your life for yourself. 24 is a healthy age to be doing that.
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Maybe I wasn't quite clear, but I am financially independent in that I pay for everything I need and/or want, including the rent. When I accept my parents' gifts, it is mostly not to disappoint them, or because I have no choice. Last time I went home, I had arranged to buy some used items off one of our family's friends. My dad litterally handed him the money before I could even reach my wallet.
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Originally Posted by BirdDancer
I believe you when you write that you are grateful for your parents and what they've given you. It's not 100% clear to me, however, how directly you have expressed that. If not very directly, make it extremely direct and firm, and yet also as warmly as possible. Warm doesn't have to be wishy-washy.
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I probably should insist more on that point indeed. That being said, they have known for a long time how much I love them and my stance on that has not changed.
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Originally Posted by resurgam
you complain about the calls but YOU call them every day. skip a day every now and then. the world will not end. i promise you that. want more independence..start acting like it. you are old enough to go a few days without talking to your parents.
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You're right. I tried that several times, but then they would always call at some point. Given my father's situation I didn't want to take any chance by not answering. But maybe things have changed recently. I'll give it another try.
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Originally Posted by resurgam
mom uses your apartment like it is her own.....well yea...you are her son ..you ask her to bring stuff to you. they stay with you. they bought the furniture. it is "their second home" you have done nothing to convince them it isn't..complaining here about it is a good vent but won't solve the issue.
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When I moved to this place I was technically still a student, so I would have needed my parents' support anyway (if only to get to rent the apartment). When my mom started behaving like she does, I clearly stated that she was not home. I must have sounded explicit enough because my father shares my views on my mother's attitude.
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Originally Posted by resurgam
you want them to sleep elsewhere..save your $$ and get them a hotel room..call it a treat for them. maybe they will get the message...probably not but it might help.
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I could but I'm fine with them staying here
when it's also convenient for me. I could definitely offer them a hotel room but I'm pretty sure they would be even angrier.
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Originally Posted by resurgam
they will settle...don't cave...what ever you do. if you cave, you will never win another spat ever again.
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I hope so. What worries me is that they never behaved like stereotypical 'helicopter' parents when I was younger -- nor were their parents, on the contrary. They also got used to me helping them do things that they had always done fine without my help even though they are far from being old.
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Originally Posted by resurgam
if you don't tell her you are going out then you won't have to text her. does she really need to know?
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It's just small talk -- I don't specifically want my mom to know my whereabouts in real time, but I think I should be able to chat with my parents without lying to prevent them from worrying for no reason. As I mentioned, I try to avoid these topics.
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Originally Posted by SilverTrees
I am so sorry that you have been going through that. It must be heart-wrenching for you.  I want to point out that you are not actually responsible for the mental health of your parents. They are responsible for their own mental health. |
For the record, I called the police because it was an emergency and my mother was completely overwhelmed. My father may be responsible for himself, but I cannot just leave him deal with it, can I?