It looks like soon I may be about to lose my battle to keep my boyfriend from ending up in a nursing home. The grief I feel over that right now is just choking me. I wanted for him to pass away at home in his own surroundings with me soothing him. When I think about the possibility of that happening with us apart . . . of me getting a phone call in the middle of the night saying they found him expired, the grief of that has me choking back sobs. I've tried so hard and so long to avoid that. I put in so much effort. Life can be so unfair. That's what happened to my mother, but in a general hospital. Staff just found her gone. Family got the awful phone call.

He's had a number of years at home that he wouldn't have had without my efforts. I guess that's something. But I have wanted to keep him here. I'm real depressed today. Earlier today I heated up one of those bread loaves you take home and bake. It came out good. He and I enjoyed eating it warm with butter. These little things make up daily life that you lose in an "institutional" setting. Maybe, if I cave in to what doctors started pushing 3 years ago and make him a hospice client, that could give me more help to keep him at home. I'm so awfully depressed today. I'm just losing interest in everything.