Yes Mopey, you are an angel, believe me!

i'll try to call that number on monday to see if it works and a volunteer could stay with me on the phone, and then if it does work, im planning on calling them the moment i decide to off myself.

today went a bit better. my T still texted me this morning. i keep talking with her for some reason. it seems i keep having things to tell her. i told her i didnt want to be a burden or a problem to her and im truly sorry. that i have all planned out and maybe i have found a way to be on the phone with a volunteer in those moments so that i wont be alone and i begged her to help my parents telling them to compare me to a deathly cancer patient. maybe that would help them, but she said she isnt sure she'll be able to say that in those moments and thats fine. i completely trust her and in all she'll have to say or will be able to say to my parents to help them.

like a cancer patient, there are a lot of palliative cure that could be tried. chemio and radio too but in the end i know im going to die so i want to spare myself and others these emotional rollercoasters and useless painful drops of hope.

i do not want to keep living between one crisis and the next with not a tiny bit of joy in between that would MAYBE make it worth it. its not, and im truly SO tired.

if only i could explain to my parents how deeply sorry and ashamed and guilty i feel for leaving them, but i really dont think i have a choice. i have already tried too many times. i can do no more.

i also texted my exT today but he hasnt answered yet. i hope he will. i need him to. please, exT, reply to me and let me send you the email i prepared for you. please. i beg you. please, answer me.