PS I forgot to say that I find myself influenced in my current choices by the awareness that I will die in the next 10 or 20 years. My doctor has started complaining that I have high chlorestorol but I also see other signs that my body is getting tired. I do feel sad that there are some goals which will not happen for me. But I also feel in tune with this stage of life because it enables me to let go of trivia. I feel lucky to wake up in the morning and still have a body! I feel lucky that I was spared the terrible circumstances in which some people pass their old age. I have come some distance from self-hatred and reach out to new people from a more joyful part of my being.