Precaryous, thank you so much for having heard me. It helps me to have a bit of an outlet.
I was doing reasonably well this week. Then I received bad news about the progress of my disease. This afternoon the guy I met a week ago during my travels to my doctor would call me. I cancelled the call.
The following few lines kept running through my mind (and still, they are in my mind):
"I miss your dark sweater with the white dress shirt that you so often wear.
I miss the scent of your sweater that surrounds me when you hug me"

Some ridiculous lines, and of course I should never send them to my doctor. Even with all his comments and hugs and kisses when he saw me, he would use such an email against me if it suits him. So I must never do something so stupid.
I think also, evidently, that if I experience misfortune/pain/stress in my personal life, I tend to want to run to him for protection. And that is absurd, since he has never given me any protection, but mostly pain. Yet I feel safe for a moment when he holds me.
I really don't believe I experience sexual attraction towards him. I believe it is mostly paternal transference.. It was paternal each time I saw him, it was paternal each time we hugged, it was paternal even when he kissed me. There was no sexual attraction I experienced. I just feel like holding him forever, and wanting him to hold me forever. But then when I feel rejected by him since he ignores me or I fear he abandoned me as his patient, only then somehow sexual attraction comes into the mix. I really don't understand that process.

We have not had any contact anymore after the consult with all the physical contact and kisses. That consult was now longer than a week ago. I sent him one email as said, last Friday, just to state how important his treatment was for my disease and to please not abandon me since no other doctor has his capabilities. I did not mention the hugs and his kisses in my email. Since I did not want him to feel annoyed or be worried and see me as a liability, as said.

I did not email him again after that one email. Which is a good thing. He had promised to have his secretary call me this week to let me know if I could still be his patient. I did not receive any call, and I know he will not be in the office tomorrow. So he again did not keep his word. Whereas I'm normally completely anxious over such things, emailing him asking if he abandoned me again as his patient. This time I am not. As it turned out there was still a reimbursement I had to receive. So I know I will be contacted by his office either way somewhere in the near future. And so I feel less inclined to email him in panic.

I have emailed the therapist. She had responded but she did not seem to take on new clients. I just emailed her to ask for a referral to a therapist in my region.

Later today I changed my mind and called with the guy I met last week after all. We had a fun talk lasting nearly 2 hours (!). Yet I still miss my doctor so so much. I miss him so much, I feel I would do anything for a hug from him now, and I feel tears burning behind my eyes constantly.
I must be crazy or something . Somehow I think if I had not had this disease it would be easier to not feel this way, and to just focus on life instead.