Precaryous, I'm so sorry to hear all that . You have been through an awful lot.
He caused you such excrucating pain and trauma.
I do recognize that feeling of 'loving him'. Albeit your therapist seemed more charming at the surface (a 'feigned charm' of course) and more emotionally intelligent, hiding his true personality like a wolf in sheap clothes. How difficult that must have been, and it makes it almost unavoidable that you fell into his trap. He gave you the impression he cared and shared feelings with you.

My doctor can not hide his narcissistic personality traits. I have even seen a nurse role her eyes when he started again about his accomplishments. Other patients joke about his narcissism. It is obvious he has a narcissistic personality disorder - a personality disorder that on the other hand triggers my mental problems, it seems. Having said all that: it is absurd that I experience feelings of 'love' for him. But when he holds me and hugs me and how he talks to me when I see him, it is like I'm dealing with a different person. Narcissistic yes, but a narcissist that seems to care for me . Then the entire sequence of abandonment starts again and I feel excruciating hurt, and that brief moment of affection he shows me in his office starts to lead its own, silly life. I take it with me, envisioning he hugs me when I am afraid or when I can't sleep from anxiety over my disease. I start to envision him as a caring, loving person, that cares for me. (The way I run off with this fantasy says all about the state of my mental health ).