I’ve never wanted to be me. I’ve always wanted to be things that I wasn’t.

I wanted to be tall and thin. Even though my short and curvy body has always been appealing.

I wanted to be good at something like math or science or business. I thought it was hopelessly uncool to be good at English, history, foreign languages, or really anything I’m good at. I didn’t see how amazing it is that I can do the things I can with words and language.

I wanted to be outgoing and superficial. I didn’t see the value in my quiet, investigative nature, or my capacity for depth and abstract thinking.

I wanted to like sports and enjoy working out. I didn’t honor my own dislike for being sweaty and out of breath. I didn’t see liking to be clean and cool as valid choices. I didn’t see how good it is to love reading, and to love sewing and crafting and making things.

I wanted to be practical and logical, instead of emotional, creative, and romantic. I didn’t see how considering people’s thoughts and feelings is a positive thing, not a weakness.

Why was I so afraid to end up being a teacher or a librarian or an editor, or an attorney, a psychologist, a professor - when one of those careers might have suited me to a T? (Although I am an editor, of sorts - I’ve been a technical writer and editor for about 15 years.)

Will I ever learn to love my real self? And how did I get this way? What happened to make me devalue myself and think everything I’m *not* was better?