Hello ariesmars. I am very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is mind-altering. Would you consider speaking with a grief counselor? Not to take away your grief but to gain some comfort and coping strategies. I've had friends who found therapy really helpful as they worked through their grief. It sounds like you could really use some help, particularly since you mention that the grief is seriously impacting your health.

I wonder if you are familiar with the concept of complicated grief? It is a name some psychologists and doctors have used when grief takes a particularly intense trajectory for some folks and doesn't seem to become more manageable over time. I have included some links if you are interested to read more. One link includes a screener though of course would not be designed as a diagnostic tool.

Complicated grief - Symptoms and causes - Mayo Clinic
Overview - The Center for Complicated Grief
3 Minute Complicated Grief Disorder Test - Get Instant results!
About Complicated Bereavement Disorder | Psychology Today

Wishing you peace, hope, and improved health Ariesmars.

Universal speed to your father.