Mopey, my t keeps texting me and i just keep answering. i keep texting her to be sure we leave at peace. i keep asking her forgiveness, wishing im not a burden or a problem to her, asking her to help my parents at least with one session… i do not really have anything else to say. just trying to fix things so that i can die at peace with her. but thanks for the suggestion.

i have also started writing the samaritans. at first i had a lot to say to explain the situation. after they told me i can call them when its time (and i surprisingly got what i was looking for) i had nothing more to say.

i know i also keep writing here a lot, but it just helps me going through the day. A LOT. i dont think theres anything i havent said yet already. actually i guess i keep repeating myself sorry.

my exT finally answered me. i emailed him tonight. i dont know when he'll read the email but we have a phone appointment tomorrow at 11. i dont know what to tell him. i'll just be glad to hear his voice for the last time. i also dont want him to see me one more time for a last T session. my T saw me at my worst and i dont want exT to see me like that too. or im afraid i wouldnt be able to open up with him and show my emotions with him as i did with T, so i feel im good this way. and anyway, he doesnt need to see me. he already knows whats in my heart after 12 years together on and off but continuatively.

im content this way. maybe tonight i'll be able to sleep.

im a little anxious about getting to do everything thats left to do at my parents on sunday (it will prpbably take the whole day). but i hope that after sunday things will get better unless i'll start panic which actually IS a possibility….

all the best to everyone