I've looked at the people who I wanted to feel close to in the past, and then considered the ways they were different. This helped me eliminate the superfluous and zone in on what they had in common.

I also try to catch myself when I feel a desire to be close to other people in very brief exchanges (which I think is more helpful than looking backwards). When you have relationships with those people objectivity gets harder.

Since leaving therapy I've wanted to feel close to my mortgage adviser and even the doctor who saw me for two minutes this morning -- it's always men who are good at their jobs and care about me (but with limited or no emotion attached). They're generally in their thirties or early forties.

I know it's wrapped up in wanting my wonderful, loving, much adored but emotionally inept dad's attention. I want to feel special to the person I most love and admire. I want them to find something great in me, the same way I see something great in them.

Then I considered what I was doing when with these people. Mostly I was trying to make myself loveable and intelligent. My brain is still just trying to figure out an unsolvable problem.

The feelings don't change, but at least I'm not blind in the interactions.