Quote:
Originally Posted by DP_2017
Just seeing this post. I assume you've already written your stuff but I will comment anyway
First... ask yourself why do you consider T's "authority figures"? Your own T has even told you he isn't. Is this REALLY about "authority figures" or something else? It's a bit interesting that you only have this issue with men but you have alot of issues from the past with your mom. I feel like if things are better, good with your dad now, it's likely not this at all anymore. I still think it's probably likely related to what I suggested before, and it's why you seek love/attention from other men. Maybe talking to T about that part and how you can work on some possible solutions for it might be worth it.
Second... we are very different people in our past and now. Every teenager is going through tough stuff etc, The thing is, those things made you who you are today. good or bad. Without all those experiences you would be a different LT today. I try to remind myself
of that stuff often when I get stuck on stuff from the past.
Lastly... when it comes to journaling, I find it best to not over think, just write whatever comes to mind, be present with your feelings even if it doesn't always make sense. It might be more helpful to write in "letter form" such as .... Dear Ex T... and then just write.
Hopefully you are able to work through this mindset of authority figure T stuff, I feel like it keeps getting you "stuck"... so maybe your T can help you. I am terrible with words as you know and I am not really wanting to post on PC much anymore but I consider you a friend and found this post interesting so I wanted to pop in, I don't mean any offense by my words. Have a good session today either way and I hope that the journalling is helpful to you
|
Thanks for your comments--no offense taken! I feel like T seeming more open to talking about things like transference lately is really helping me. He seems to realize now how it does affect other parts of my life, and if I keep repeating a pattern, then it's worth examining. Even if it may feel a bit awkward for him. Part of the issue with ex-MC is that we were so limited in how much we could talk about it. And ex-T wasn't too helpful with it--she'd say things like, "Your transference for him is as intense as it gets!" which is like, "great, that's really helpful."
With the journaling, I was trying to just sort of brainstorm, in list form really, like words I associate with the person. Trying to not overthink it.
I know you're likely referencing stuff with my H with your asking if it's about authority figures or something else. I'm not really sure. I think there are elements of that there--it was certainly part of what was going on with ex-MC. We'd all be sitting in the room together, I'd be crying, and ex-MC would be the one comforting me (verbally, no touch or anything), which H just sat there like a stone. And ex-MC would say "It's OK" if I apologized, while H often got angry at me if I said I was sorry about something (even like, "Sorry I didn't get to the dishes today.") Ex-MC seemed to understand me on a level that H didn't. He got why I needed reassurance, for example.
With current T, there's not that same level of understanding or reassurance as with ex-MC. But lately I feel accepted by him. And this may seem like such a seemingly minor thing on the surface, but it's like he notices things about me. He'll ask if a shirt I'm wearing is new (he's generally right) or compliment my shoes (like printed sneakers, not like heels or anything). If I seem to get randomly upset in the middle of him talking, he'll ask what's going on. If I seem anxious (well, more so than usual), he'll comment on that and ask what it's about. Where if I seem anxious to H, he'll seem annoyed, if anything. If I'm crying, he wouldn't generally say anything. So it's like I feel really seen by T. (Even though I'm aware he's trained to pick up on body language, etc. as a T.)
T also said recently that maybe it isn't so much about my dad, but about the first type of person I felt attracted to. Like maybe I'm drawn to men of a particular age (teacher, ex-MC, and T were/are around same age when I knew them), and that's more what it's about.
One last thing (thinking out loud here!)--you're right that my mom is more the issue, but with ex-T, I had negative maternal transference. Which made the therapy difficult at times. I think I had that with my grad school advisor (also female) as well. I tend to feel more open talking to and showing emotion to men (and always have). All stuff I can talk about with T in a few hours.