I splurged and bought my self stuff online this morning and I feel guilty.

Long story short... my daughter and her husband have expectations that I give them expensive gifts and money. I’m supposed to be buying stuff for them and their baby. Not for me.

I’m not allowed to give the baby a nickname. I must call him by his name or the nickname they gave him. I never give any advice. I never ask questions anymore. I literally do as I am told in every way.

The other grandma lives with them. My son-in-law financially supports her. She can give advice and it’s ok. She can call the baby whatever nickname she wants. There are no rules. She does whatever she wants.

There is no place for me in the baby’s life. My only role is for money and things.

Since I work full time I have plenty of money... and if I was a good mother and grandmother I would give a lot of it to them...

I did give nice gifts and money at first... there weren’t really any acknowledgements... not much of a thank you. I was told about the lavish gifts others gave them and clearly mine did not measure up.

I was expected to take them out for expensive birthday dinners... once again I Failed.... the birthday meal and cake I made at home was scoffed at. Literally. There was eye rolling.

I was not the best mom. I know that. I’ve made several attempts to apologize. I was too controlling and made too many demands. I put high standards on myself and others. I regret this.

I don’t give advice or control or make demands anymore. I never argue. I don’t pry. I follow all of their rules.

But I will always pay the price.

I did good things as a mom too though. I gave all my money and time... always gave whatever I had first to my daughter. I did always put my own needs last. I spent lots of time with her. Always there after school, played games, talked and laughed a lot, allowed friends over and took them all places... I did good things too... But I do recognize the mistakes.

But I feel selfish now. Now I spend my time and money how I want... On myself and my volunteer work. Haven’t done anything for them in several months... I just don’t want to.... but that’s not what good mothers and grandmothers do....

I don’t have much but I’ve worked hard for many years.

But I feel guilty. I punish myself just as hard as my daughter punishes me.