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Sunrise said:
To give one example, when we discuss protecting the girls from my H's pornography, I bring my own problems with this to the table with me, such as that I felt extremely disrespected for years when my H would play graphic porn right in front of me, with no concern for my feelings.

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I don't think you should suppress these feelings, I think you should used them to give you the strength to demand that your children are not exposed to the same disrespect and given the support they deserve. Maybe in these meetings you don't have to unload all details behind these feelings, just use them to stand firm and say... NO! porn is not acceptable. ..Or Yes, you will provide xyz..

If your have trouble standing up for yourself then do it for your girls. My mother was verbally abused, oppressed, never put herself first, allow my father devalue her and ultimately lived a very unhappy life. What was the end result, a daughter who witnessed this, and inadvertently ended repeating the cycle.

Sunrise, your gut was telling you that the jackass on your "team" needed to go. If you've stood up for yourself on this issue you can do it again. You've been walking on eggshells for the past 20 years, it takes time to regain trust and confidence in yourself again. You're doing well, keep going.

As for the divorce manual. Keep all these post, your writing one :-)