Im sorry ((((( fearless and betty)))))) yes my posts are usually a bit delayed since I prefer to have the help of the moderators with my posts, like stated in other threads english is not my native language, nor the language I use every day. its a work in progress and sometimes my posts can be worded a bit harshly or not the way I meant them to be due to the translators I use and my understanding of the english language. It is just so much easier if I have others previewing my posts too.

I think of it kind of like a writer of books has their friends family and editors reading their works catching possible problems that could be misunderstood due to phrasing and words used.

I also forgot about my delay of posts and accidentally sent in two posts fairly close together. I will try to leave some space between my posts so that this doesnt happen again and confuse you all

onwards and upwards the next thing that my journals mention I had a problem with during this integration process was my having introject type alters.

these kinds of alters dont set out to hurt others outside the body. they are the internalized characteristics of abusers but in the sense of abusing the one that they reside with in.

Example my "bully" didnt go out and bully anyone on the playground, or at work or at my job, at school, younger kids then I was. and as an adult switching into "bully" I didnt feel like beating the crap out of anyone, or otherwise abusing someone or children.

At first when my treatment providers told me I had introject alters I admit it scared me. was I going to be like my abusers hurting others, am I going to have to find out that I have done this that and the other thing to another child, teen or adult.

my treatment provider very quickly put this to rest. she told me that introjects are there to harm the ones they live inside of... they are there to be my abusers of me just like my real abusers harmed me...

example Bully didnt go around calling all the kinds in my school grades stupid or beating them up. Bully called me stupid and berated me and did abusive things to me just like my abusers did those things to me.

it was so hard for me to hear a voice putting me down and doing things with my body when I wasnt aware that they were getting into situations where I would be harmed.

how do you integrate something / someone like this?

it took a lot of hard work.

First I had to understand the reality of what introjects were and why that introject was in my body.

they were in my abusers to be with me when my abusers could not physically be with me. They were there to control ........me.........during times when my abusers were not there to control me.

They literally acted, said and did things against me just as if they were my real abusers standing in front of me abusing me.

once I understood how alters are created and why I had introjects it was a bit easier.

I checked out the laws in my area and discovered that there was no documentations of any criminals saying they had alters that made them commit the crimes that they did. but one very pleasent police officer explained to me that if there was ever anyone in his jurisdiction that would be attempting to excuse their behavior like this the courts are set up where if anyone says their mental disorder made them do something, the court orders psychiatric evaluations some that take up to two years to do, then based on court documents the person is considered guilty except for reason of insanity and remanded to the state mental hospital for no less that 5 years, then after that they can be re evaluated to see if they still have an alternate personality that can or will harm someone. Then he so nicely explained to me that I would know it by now with a long history of abusing others if I had the kind of alters that harm others.

I was very much relieved to know that both the law and my therapist understood that introjects dont harm others just the one they live inside of (me)

that right there took a lot of pressure off of me and my stress level. from there it was just a matter of doing the same things that I and my treatment provider did for my other problems.....

grounding, relaxation and learning how to take care of myself. When I was mentally stronger and understood that I didnt need to be punished, or controlled and was worth being alive, Bully naturally integrated together with me, and then it was up to me whether or not I called myself names and got myself into situations where I would be harmed, just like any other normal person.