Hey all. This is my first time posting in this part of the forum. I've been having a hard time dealing with my social anxiety. My therapist said it seems like I have social anxiety disorder and I agree with her. It sucks because I have two best friends and they're great, but I can't keep relying on them for company, you know? I went to an event my best friend of 7 years invited me to two nights ago and it made me realize how awkward I am. My friend is more outgoing, bubbly, friendly. I'm quiet, awkward, and I'm friendly, too, but I'm still shy and I just stayed with her all night. She had another friend and they're so alike. That friend is the life of the party and it made me think, "Wow, they get along so well. Why on earth would she want to be my friend when she has so many other friends who are cool and outgoing and confident?" I know my friend loves me. I mean, we've been friends for so long but I'm just afraid that she'll end up thinking I'm boring. It really hit home when she said she's going on a trip with that other friend and her significant other. I mean, she and I are also going on a trip but I'm scared she'll think I'm boring and won't have a good time. I know my fears are unrealistic but it's hard to get rid of those fears.

The thing is that I feel like I'm always putting on an act. My default expression is...well, no expression. I'm comfortable sitting in silence but people don't like those things. So I have to smile all of the time, be bubbly, talk instead of being quiet or people will think I'm snobby (which has happened before). Being a part of many marginalized communities makes it even harder.

And that's the thing. I feel like I'm boring. I'm quiet, introverted, and I think very deeply. I'm afraid of being judged and I've had anxiety attacks when I forced myself to go to events in the past but I still went, you know? I was so proud of myself. I haven't gone to many events lately because the thought is terrifying. I even missed a job fair because I was too scared to go and it catered to one of the communities I'm a part of so that sucked.

That event two nights ago really made me sad and it made me feel lonely. It made me think of my rejections, my loneliness, my lack of a love life, my small social circle. I just want things to change. I was making progress two years ago where I went to a couple of events by myself and I accepted people's invitations instead of making excuses. I just wish I can turn my anxiety off.

I've been in therapy for 4.5 years but I focused on my depression. Now my depression is under control but my anxiety is high and it's making me depressed. A vicious cycle. I need to be proactive again but it's scary. I want to make friends with the same interests and go on dates and go to events. I just feel so lonely.

Is there anyone here who has overcome their social anxiety or found ways to cope with it before going to events? Thank you. =)