Hello Crazygrl882

Thank you for candidly sharing your truth here. I am so sorry you've been going through so much pain in your life. Sorry you lost your father. Losing a parent is mind-altering. You said you feel you should show improvement by now but he only died very recently. You are likely still in shock.

There is a newer understanding of people who struggle with drinking (or drugs etc) that the real underlying problem is trauma. People overwhelmed by trauma are often trying to self-medicate. Some people have described it as finding it intolerable to be themselves or to want to not be present for a while. Does that resonate with you at all? Perhaps you are feeling traumatized by the loss of your father. Perhaps you have also experienced prior traumas?

I think you know that the drinking and sex won't actually help you to heal from your trauma. You can numb out for a while or "loosen up" but the pain returns each day, right? My brother never drinks in the mornings. He only drinks on weekends and not every weekend. But the way he drinks and the reason he drinks is his response to trauma. And I can tell that he is not well. Like you, he does not want to tell a doctor.

Best I can recommend at this stage is that you look for a kind and experienced trauma therapist. You need not mention the drinking right away if you don't want to. You can start by finding someone to listen to you share about your pain and fear. And take it from there. Though I have the sense that perhaps you don't feel ready to do that? Only you can decide that. Only you can initiate your only healing process and make your life decisions. I'm not going to lecture you about the dangers of alcohol or unprotected sex. You're an adult; you know what's what. When you are ready, I hope you will find a kind professional to help guide you back to a safe path of peace.

Have you heard of Dr. Gabor Mate at all? He has done some important work with folks struggling from trauma and addiction. I'll share something with you that he said...I think it's really important:
"Trying to move away from the pain, to avoid the pain, only leads to more pain." He believes that an important step in healing is to "sit with your pain." Just something to think about. People often need help to sit with their pain. I Iive with depression and experienced two major traumas in the last 18 months....these have exacerbated the depression. So I am looking for a new therapist to help me sit with my pain because I'm currently struggling to feel better on my own.

I realize that you do not identify yourself as having an addiction problem but I think you may still find some of these ideas of interest or even comfort. You will note that both speakers are very intelligent and have done their research but most importantly....they do NOT support the blame and shame campaign for people struggling with alcohol. For one thing, it doesn't work. People need empathy and support. Not scare tactics. Adding to someone's stress and anxiety increases the likelihood of more drinking....people need help to find safer ways of finding internal peace. perhaps you need support to find safer ways to cope with the major loss of your father?

Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong, Johann Hari


What is addiction? Dr. Gabor Mate


You have my empathy. I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future. You deserve it.