My Support Forums - View Single Post - As a recovering alcoholic bully, I wish I could take all of your pain away

happysobercrafter · May 31, 2019 at 01:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Happy crafter when I first read this I thought: " I am an alcoholic in recovery and I was not a bully..." but then I had to think about it for a minute. The chaos I brought with me was the same as bullying. Accusing my husband of dumping my alcohol when I had forgotten where I hid it or drank it up, fighting, letting my middle daughter get in the middle of our fights. Taking off when I didnt get my way, spending money we didnt have on alcohol, the lying. It was emotional bullying. There was no physical violence but I attribute that to my gentle husband. Any other man might have lost it with me. Making the whole family revolve around my self centered needs, it was all a form of emotional hijacking/bullying. I have made amends for my behavior and apart from the sincere apologies I try to make living amends by showing them I am not the same person I used to be. For me that involved AA but its not that way for everyone. I know that I have traumatized them all in some way and my middle daughter especially has her own addiction problems. I mostly let go of the guilt because it serves no real purpose other than making me feel like garbage, and I am so grateful that I have been forgiven but no one was under any obligation to forgive me. I hurt many people and I am glad that I have been given the opportunity to show I am not like that anymore. Part of me wishes it have never happened but I am such a different person now part of me wonders if I would have gotten to this point without all that strife. I love who I am now. And I am fairly sure they love me for who I have become now. But I wish I could have avoided causing all that pain to get here. I always thought of bullying in a different way until I read this thread and now I realize that I was a bully too. Thank you for sharing this.

@sarahsweets

Good for you for developing your self-awareness and taking the steps to get better. I am glad your family stood by you and are seeing your changes.

I agree on AA not being for everyone. I needed one on one therapy, plus hypnotherapy because the roots of my issues were deep and padlocked in place. But every tear I shed and every issues I pounded away about on my computer helps me continue to improve. I am grateful for the work I can do on my own.

On the pain we cause, girl, I hear you loud and clear. There are so many things I have done I wish I could go back and change. So, making amends is the path to make the best out of that possible so I keep my side of the street clean.