What a heavy question that I’ve been pondering since a squabble with my family on a trip, which I hate myself for because I was impatient and angry in handling this fiasco. Since my little spat I have been doubtful about my own capability of having decent relationships, further rehashing painful memories of my last 6 years of school, filled with abuse, pressure to conform to rigid social norms and seeing previous friendships melt away quicker than ice cream. It’s been a toxic combo of overly sensitive people melting down over every little silly or awkward comment I make and people not being intentional to keep in touch with me after finishing school. Friendships in general are like novice fishing trips, you catch as many fish as you can, gloat over a selfie, and throw them back. My recent struggles haven’t all been bad. They’ve been a stepping stone to personal boundaries and figuring out what kind of person I am and what I desire from others. I love all of my family members like best friends and have dedicated the past couple of years to strengthening my higher quality friendships that i formed in childhood and college, particularly 3 or four of my closest friends. But as I’ve seen during my aforementioned head-butt on a family trip, and an increase in such incidents with my folks and people who have been less than supportive in my transitional phases, people love to criticize you for every little mistake, belittle others when given the opportunity (ie on SM seeing romantic couples when I’m single), and have absolutely no sense of what is going to hurt me or help me. In recent years in light of my troubles but also having this same quality all along I often feel more at peace when I’m pursuing my interests alone rather than being with people, knowing people will either never share my interests or try to suck me into a vortex of leaky boundaries and attempts to change who I am to please the crowd. I cringe every time I hear things like “people are social creatures/pack animals”, because in the context of what has happened in my life this is dead wrong. In my minds eye I’m better off living my life alone to eliminate all possibilities of getting hurt or manipulated than I am to keep meaningful relationships.

When I transition to the real world I’m not going to make anymore friendships and never pursue romance because I’ve crossed the line with too many mistakes and the people who seem to genuinely care actually genuinely want to devour me. It’s all my fault that I did not handle previous friendships and the trials they had to bring better and I probably will just have to find a way to live with it.

Am I a bad person? Am I too much of a monster to share connections with other people? What’s the point of having friends and relationships anyway?

No medical labels please. But support is accepted with open arms