absolutely agree^^^ this is such a good point to make and one i often wonder is a major element leading to the reasons why some clients tend to get stuck in this particular and similar painful dynamics in therapy.

this definilty was a similar occurrence in my therapy with the relationship with my T, but the way i experienced it is a bit differnt to you. i didn't see it as my ex-T who was not engaging in my patterns, but it was me who made the conscious choice to no longer give into what i started to perceive as the 'head games' or ways to manipulate and elicit my reactions to the decisions he was making in our work together (i.e. saying he would no longer respond to emails or other means of what experienced as withdrawing from the relationship or simply as unhealthy reenactments of my early childhood). his power and hold over me diminished as my strong transference reactions calmed, and the importance and need for him being a central part of my life began to diminish as well. this allowed me to finally address the issues i needed to address in my therapy and make positive progress without continuously getting mixed up in the transference/counter transference drama loop that often was being reenacted between us in the relationship.