I’m doing better these last few days than I have for a while now. I’m slow to recover from emotional turmoil. Or maybe it just seems slow because it’s agonizing and never seems to end. At least it comes in waves, rather than constant. However, I think I’m at least in a period between waves and hope it lasts a little while. I know it’s hard follow when I don’t give any specific indications to my situation. I’ve been intentionally vague and you all have been graciously supportive nonetheless. I feel I at least owe you guys a little explanation So, without excruciating details I’ll sum up some of the issues I’ve been dealing with.

1) I’m going through a bitter separation from my spouse. It’s very much one sided in terms of wanting this divorce. Well technically, we aren’t going to get divorced – at least for a while for a few reasons, but they aren’t really important to my point. It’s painful to have to leave a life you know and someone you love. It’s like ripping your life away from you and leaving you raw and sad.

2) As a consequence of the first point, I am living with my mom again. That is an issue in itself and one I am none too happy about. but it’s the only option I really have right now. There is some comfort there though, having someone who does love me unconditionally around. I don’t know when the living situation will change.

3) I’m unemployed. I am a teacher, and it’s not easy finding positions in a small town or the vicinity. At least this is the time to search—jobs will be open. There are complications with that, however. My evaluations and work have always been highly praised…. But due to some bad moments I have a DUI on my record and that strongly diminishes my record. Not only that, but I worked in a school system that I truly didn’t like and was jaded more than once. It left a very bad taste in my mouth. I also question my ability to work anymore. I have struggled so much personally, and it reflects in my actions. My whole world that I worked so hard to create—one I had to fight for every step of the way – a degree, a job, independence, a car, a license, a home, a marriage… all crumbled. I mean, they can’t take my master’s degree away... but other than personal pride in receiving it, it’s not much good. Just a requirement of my state to teach. I’m not so smart anyway, I think my self-deprecation influences my feelings about my capabilities a lot. But it’s just a reflection of how I feel.

4) Unemployment ran out, which means I have absolutely no money, and I still have certain bills to pay. I’m going to have to find something to help contribute to them. I can’t put the burden on my mom. She’s on a fixed income as it is. Again, I’m not sure I am even cut out to work – I’m a little too damaged from that start.

5) I don’t have a support group or friends. It’s no exaggeration – in my town I have no one. All my friends are either in different countries or states. On top of that because of bad experiences I have no want to try to make friends. I don’t have the energy to discern good people from the bad, or deal with pettiness, ulterior motives or manipulation. I just can’t force myself to do it. I am a social person—I have to warm up to you, but I do enjoy being around other people... I just can’t seem to make anyone stay, or someone I’d consider a good friend.

6) The general effects of depression exacerbate all these issues and leave me feeling emotionally inept.

7) I am having some health issues. I will most likely need to be checked by a doctor if this doesn’t clear up in a few days. It could be potentially serious. I’m not in serious pain or anything... but it is concerning. I’d rather not discuss symptoms or anything like that because it’s a little bit personal the problem.

8) I have to file for bankruptcy – long story short due to my DUI I owe $20,000 on a car. Plus, credit card debt, hospital bills, etc. It took every penny I had saved to get the money together to file. I know it’s supposed to be a lifeline in the end… but it leaves me very stressed trying to get it all together.

So, that’s it. I’m sorry for such a long post, and I’m going to apologize for the “woe is me” mentality. No one wants to attend someone else’s pity party, and that’s all I’m contributing right now to the forum. Again, you all have be amazingly considerate of me and make me feel a welcomed member of the online family. I hope one day soon I can contribute more than just my disparaging remarks of my life. I’ll be sure to limit that as much as possible. If I can’t positively add to the experience of others, I’d rather not contribute at all.

Thanks for reading/listening. It’s appreciated.