Thank you so much Precaryous, I read the article. I definitely recognize the mentioned aspects that doctors with a superhero status are not challenged in their behavior by colleagues or patients. In fact, his own staff member said she could do nothing about his constant ignoring of me, as (citing) "He is my boss, I have to do what he says".

So that says it all.

However, today I realized something else. My disease is progressing swiftly, my body is a mess after the ravage my disease is causing. This is permanent and will only get worse. I realized more and more I don't want to live anymore with the way my body is breaking down. (I want to add a trigger to this, but I don't know how I can do that). I also realized that the only happy moment I still had the past month was when my doctor held me in his arms and kissed me. To now blame him for that, as I am doing albeit not directly expressing it to him or anyone but here, somehow doesn't seem right to me. It is the truth: it was the only moment this month, I felt happy. And the times he hugged me the past year were the only moments I felt happy. That says more about the pathetic turn my life has taken than about his mistakes. How can I blame him for doing the only thing that has given me some happiness the past year?