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Originally Posted by 502041
I feel like I sometimes I am so disconnected from people or there is something missing. I watch groups of friends or family members bond and feel connected and I just don't get it.
My social skills are still developing and sometimes i find conversation hard or prolonged engagement hard, but i think that is in part because i am introvert and also because I am still building up that social muscle of actually engaging with people, after spending decades of avoiding people in general. This being said I still feel like there is a glass barrier between me and friends. At times during my last relationship I would sometimes feel nothing and confused about if I loved or even liked them. I would kiss them passionately then think to myself I felt nothing. I know this isn't true because I had a lot of love for that person, but I know the disconnect along with a lot of my other MH issues and their own stuff led us to break up.
I feel like this is stopping me from feeling connected to people and I don't know what that is or how that feels and often feel overwhelmed from people. I also think I could disappear from these peoples lives and it would mean nothing to them.
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Sounds like you have trouble connecting with your emotions. Usually, when a person suffers from CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) they have difficulty in pinpointing what they feel. You also think that if you disappeared from the lives of your friends and family, then your disappearance wouldn't mean anything to them which points to low self-esteem.
Here are some signs of CEN. See if you can relate to any of these:
1. Feeling cut off from your emotions which leads to feelings of isolation or lack of belonging anywhere in the world
2. Low self-esteem or shame
3. Being very hard on yourself
4. A feeling of being 'hollow' inside, as if you have a hole inside of your chest that seemingly nothing can fill. You can think of it as being 'dead' inside.
5. Strong fear of rejection
If your family was dismissive whenever you expressed any 'negative' emotions (anger, sadness, being upset etc) by ignoring you, staying quiet when you brought up how bad you felt, or telling you to get over it (so basically, if you had to suppress your emotions because they weren't approved of) then this is pretty much the result.