Hey, Dnester, I just wanted to share that I've totally done this too - scrambled around collecting as much information/opinions as I could trying to figure things out & come to some conclusion that is "the definite, right conclusion." I get it. And one of the things my therapist has had to help me see is that when I tend to do this, it's because of my own disbelief in myself & my own ambiguity, which I cannot tolerate.

I've specifically got a Part, actually (and this is one with whom I am always co-conscious) who tends to do this. It's very important to her that things be "proven" before she can accept them (although I'm not honestly sure she can accept anything, but she believes that she will if only things are backed up by enough evidence). She is a master information collector -- HUGE into planning and backup plans and backup backup plans. It used to be very hard for me to recognize when she takes over, because she is also convinced that she is me & with the co-consciousness, it's like... this major blending type of hijack that was super difficult to identify.

It's been very helpful for me to identify some of her key "thoughts" so that, when they pop up, I can be like "ah! I know who that is!" ...and it's been very helpful to finally understand that this is a Part & to work with my therapist to start actually communicating with her. Turns out she's actually got some pretty important thoughts & questions that I didn't know about.

Anyways, at the end of the day, though, it's not going to be anyone else's advice or opinions on anything that will really help you move forward -- it's going to have to be your own answers or your Parts' answers as it may be - and their questions & doubts & beliefs & fears, etc. that lead to any sort of ability to sit with this. And, unfortunately, you're likely going to have to settle in the "Grey." Because there's no definitive answers to ANYthing here. Even the DID diagnosis itself, as one friend pointed out to me, is just a thing that a bunch of old men sat together in a room and came up with. That's psychiatry as a whole: no definitive blood tests, no definitive anything... just a bunch of people who agreed on some things and created names for them.