I will probably be in bed most the day, but that's nothing new. I will probably wake up 3-4 times a day tossing and turning and average 6 hours of sleep. I will probably feel muscle pain, dizziness, restlessness, fatigued, scatter brained. I may get anxious, i might even notice my heart rate beating faster. i may experience bursts of energy and crashes. i will probably gain 10 pounds of weight.

safety plan:
all i have here is the phrase 'do not stop taking the SSRI medication' and a phone number to a local crisis center. my plan to taper off my meds goes against my current safety plan. so, i will need to revise my safety plan and omit 'do not stop taking the SSRI medication' and replace it with 'leave a voicemail to notify provider that I am discontinuing a medication and maintain weekly counseling visits"

a.

b.
after a year in college the dextroamphetamine has stopped working at 5 mg twice a day. i can't even tell the clonazepam is in my system. temazepam doesn't really help with sleep and I don't need it right now because I don't have to maintain a sleep schedule. the escitalopram makes me feel worse.

I.

II.

III.


c.
i'm really tired of feeling like a dead man walking, an empty shell of a person. i get the sense that I have already lived out my life at the age of 27. there is no aspect about being human that is enjoyable. i have one forty five minute talk therapy appointment a week and am getting nowhere. If i do want to succeed at changing my environment which ultimately has a role in my mental health. if i utilize psychiatric drugs to make it through college 5 more years, I have a life or at least the best chances of one. I don't want to live the remainder of my existence on social security. the antidepressant makes me numb to the idea of suicide, but it also makes me numb to the world. the amphetamine teaches me that i have some learning disabilities. the benzo has taught me that I don't need the benzo. the guanfacine helps calm my body down.

final thoughts
i've been taking 5 mg lexapro 2x daily. 0.25 mg AM than 0.5 mg klonopin PM daily. 3-4 mg guanfacine daily. 15-20 mg dexedrine daily. 15 mg temazepam daily.
the lexapro, dexedrine and kloopin have got to go. It would be nice to re visit the dexedrine this fall during organic chemistry and quantitative analysis. as far as withdrawal symptoms go, the SSRI causes an electric shock and dizzy feeling when tapering too quickly. the dextroamphetamine causes fatigue and restlessness and worse attention and focus. the klonopin makes me feel like i'm dying or that something else more serious is physically wrong.

i'm the dumbest smart person or smartest dumb person in class. I got an A in both semesters for college general chemistry on this cocktail of drugs. i think this cocktail was only meant to last for one year if that. taking these compounds has just caused my body to adapt and depend on them to function. I'm no longer going to function real well when I get off these meds, but I am confident this is only temporary. My body will re adjust and in about a month I hope to see signs of recovery and in two months I hope to see a decent level of functioning past activities of daily living.

right now, i'm a miserable mess. i live with an abusive x and am secretly moving out in 30 days. i have nowhere else left to turn in my life, but my family. i will stay there for a couple months and stay involved in church. graduate spring 2020 and transfer to university that year. life is going good for me. i shouldn't give up because even though I do not fully see it, there is something tangibly real and valuable to life. pain now, cheer tomorrow.

i guess i'll provide updates as i progress this month. anything to help is kindly appreciated.