I think what you're going through right now is really difficult. It's an opportunity to develop your coping skills and I think it sounds like alcohol is not really coping, it's more like managing overwhelming feelings and probably especially fear. Alcohol dulls the outer cortex of the brain, reducing problem solving abilities, so the numbness that may be a part of that can feel a lot better than the emotions. As a massage therapist, I think you probably have a good self awareness of your body as well as a desire to keep it in good shape. Perhaps you can find other coping responses that help your body and make it feel good, which would be useful for you. I think just having this awareness that drinking isn't working for you is a great thing.