Up until about a year ago, she accepted/tolerated my often flatline attitude and lack of excitement.

She was out of the country for 9 months last year and I cheated on her a month or so before she was going to return. This was also a few months before our wedding. Through all of my relationships in the past, I never cheated or even considered it. I chose to do it in the most serious and important relationship I've been in. I never had any intention or interest in someone else, but when I was faced with an aggressive pursuit, I went right along with it.

This especially calls for me to constantly reassure her that I love her and she's important to me. The fact that I am still dragging my feet to compliment, plan special things etc. is pretty disturbing.

I'm very indecisive and have lost confidence in myself and my intentions. This makes my reassurances and compliments come out very weak. I believe I love and care about her but I'm starting to question myself. Being responsible for someone else's emotions is something that causes me massive anxiety and fear. My response to these issues is always avoid/flee.

I really hate myself for what I've done and for promising to care for someone when I clearly have not been.