Quote:
Originally Posted by OKbrain
Up until about a year ago, she accepted/tolerated my often flatline attitude and lack of excitement.
She was out of the country for 9 months last year and I cheated on her a month or so before she was going to return. This was also a few months before our wedding. Through all of my relationships in the past, I never cheated or even considered it. I chose to do it in the most serious and important relationship I've been in. I never had any intention or interest in someone else, but when I was faced with an aggressive pursuit, I went right along with it.
This especially calls for me to constantly reassure her that I love her and she's important to me. The fact that I am still dragging my feet to compliment, plan special things etc. is pretty disturbing.
I'm very indecisive and have lost confidence in myself and my intentions. This makes my reassurances and compliments come out very weak. I believe I love and care about her but I'm starting to question myself. Being responsible for someone else's emotions is something that causes me massive anxiety and fear. My response to these issues is always avoid/flee.
I really hate myself for what I've done and for promising to care for someone when I clearly have not been.
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Hello OKbrain,
I am so sorry that you are struggling.
You do not sound like a sociopath or whatever the other word was that you called yourself in your other post.
I actually think you have answered your own question here. I put several of your important points together here:
"I'm very indecisive and have lost confidence in myself and my intentions.
Being responsible for someone else's emotions is something that causes me massive anxiety and fear. My response to these issues is always avoid/flee.
I really hate myself for what I've done."
You are struggling with depression and low self-esteem. It is very difficult to relate to someone else, feel close, be close, and connect on a deep level when you feel detached from yourself or indeed hate yourself. I think your troubles with your wife are a reflection of your troubles with your own self. Does that resonate with you at all? Any childhood trauma? Difficult relationship with your mother or father? How we relate to a significant other is typically based on the attachments we developed in childhood with our parents. Our parents are also the role models for how we relate to the opposite sex. Maybe something for you to reflect on....such as how did your father relate to your mother? Did he give compliments? Was he close or detached? Unfaithful? Present or absent?
I want to point out that you are actually *not responsible for other people's emotions. Each person is accountable for their own emotions. We all want to be accountable for our actions of course....an act of infidelity after promising monogamy is obviously problematic but you already know that. Though that's not the same as being responsible for someone else's feelings every moment of the day. You may find the following article of interest:
Four Truths about Feelings That Will Set you Free
I recommend finding a kind and experienced therapist to discuss the issues I highlighted above. I think on some level you know where to start but you likely need some professional support to move forward. No shame in that. I have done therapy myself....to better know and understand my own self.
As I said, I don't think you're a bad person or any such thing. You have my empathy. You're obviously in pain. There are ways to work through and heal from pain with help. I wish you peace, hope, and joy. You deserve it. Your present does not have to be your future.
