Understandable. These are painful things for anyone to discuss in person. Just so you know, there are now a lot of therapists who offer therapy over the phone. Perhaps it would be easier for you to open up that way without the face to face? There are also crisis lines you can call to discuss your suicidal ideation. I have used those a few times when I was alone and overwhelmed by my troubled thoughts. I found the people who answered to be kind and non-judgmental. By the nature of the calls they take all day or night, they are not shocked or uncomfortable with the topic of suicidal ideation. One listener even taught me about 'grounding techniques' which got me through a rough weekend alone.
Personally, I find that the more I can freely open up to someone safe, the better I start to feel. But that's just me. I am not negating your feelings.

Sorry if it feels like I'm not offering you much online help here. I just think the nature of what you're struggling with is too serious for me to comment on specifically here. And I'm not a doctor or therapist as I'm sure you know

I continue to wish you peace.