I met, online, a friend who is a transsexual woman, who has been very kind and spent quite a bit of her time and mind with me. She told me of her history that has some parallels to my own, but more extreme. She was a very masculine appearing man, now is a very attractive woman. Amazing transformation. She and I are quite different there; I have no ambitions of altering my appearance.

I sent her my nutshell history, and a little more, that was posted here earlier. Just in case you have any interest, I wanted to share her reply. It is long and I don't really expect any replies, I just was quite touched with her willingness to be involved and wanted to share that there are people out there who care for us mixed up (all of us here) people.

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Dearest K.V.

I make an consorted effort to maintain a measure of "clinical neutrality" as it were, when offering direction to people in your position. Indeed one of my long suits is my ability to do that. However I feel compelled to let that down for a moment so I can share a few things with you in a straight forward way.

First I want to tell you how impressed I am with the personal objectivity you have obtained. It had to be (and probably continues to be) a difficult endeavor. The courage to allow yourself to have this understanding is going to serve you well. It also took courage to share your understanding of yourself with me. With that in mind, I want to talk a bit about your writings.

When I read what you wrote to me, I found myself sitting in front of the computer with tears in my eyes. When you described how you feel about yourself, your body and your approach to sex it's as if I were the one doing the writing. Some of the details are different, but the feelings you express are the same right down to wording you use. I truly understand what you are feeling right now. The feelings of confusion and frustration along with an unhealthy dose of guilt and just being plain scared. I too had done exactly what I was to supposed to do. I built a life based on what I was supposed to be, not what I was. To come to that understanding nearly cost me my life. The paramedic within me wouldn't allow me to do such an insult to myself or the people around me, but it was a close thing. Again I want you to understand that you are NOT alone.

I personally know a sizeable number of people who could have indeed written what you wrote. It has always amazed me how a group of people who were raised in different ways, who have different personalities and life experiences could relate such feelings as yours in near exactly the same way. When I first met these folks I was a bit overwhelmed by the fact that in many ways they knew me better than people I had known for 20 Yrs.

And that brings us back to the your question as to where you should go from here. In my opinion you have already made the first step in the right direction and that is seeking out others with feelings such as yours. At some point it will serve you well to meet a few of these folks personally. One of the girls in the group suggested you contact the Northwest Gender Alliance for support. NWGA is a transgendered support group here in Portland. As I mentioned in my post to you, the transgendered community is a very diverse bunch, however the vast majority are cross-dressers who have reasons for doing what they do that are generally much different than yours. They can indeed offer some support and input as it relates to the superficial aspects of how the culture reacts to people who express gender variance. That could be valuable if at some time in the future you feel the need to experiment with your appearance. However the paradigm of approach to personal issues and life decisions that are correct for a cross-dresser, in my opinion doesn't work well for a person with feelings such as yours.

You mentioned in your letter that you have a therapy intake session coming. Again, you seem to be ahead of the curve. Therapy will help you to continue to refine your feelings about yourself and also outline some practical options as to how you can deal with those feelings. I assume that the intake session is an evaluation as it relates to insurance and to attempt to find a proper therapist. I offer a note of caution here. When dealing with feelings such as yours, it is paramount that you find a therapist who has a lot of experience in dealing with gender dysphoria as opposed to Joe Socialworker who has only a cursory knowledge of gender issues but works cheap. Insurance companies LIKE cheap! Over the years I have come to understand many therapists have little or no experience in helping with these issues. The subject is usually glossed over in their training. Also many therapists find it difficult not to impress their personal agenda on patients, based on their religious beliefs or personal opinions. We are indeed a specialized minority who requires specialized care. If you wish, I can offer you some options on therapists. Just let me know.

Just for your information, I attaching part of a post that I wrote for a transgendered group on the east coast at the end of this email. It deals with some of the terms used as it relates to the transgendered community, as the group was having a bit of difficulty with the lexicon. The list is far from exhaustive as I have left out some of the more obscure terms.

Lastly, Hon you need to know that you are not imposing on me or "taking too much of my time and energy". Even though we haven't met, and may never meet, understand that we do indeed have much in common as it relates to the issue at hand. Know that you are not alone and if you feel the need I'm just an email away. If you want to laugh or cry or cuss or just plain talk, I'll be here. It's a big wide wonderful and scary world out there, and I have come to understand that we all are much stronger together than we are apart. But I imagine you know that already. If you didn't you wouldn't have reached out to others. Keep the faith and know that if you allow it, things will be ok. Until later.

Bumper sticker: Wherever you go, there you are