hey.
possible trigger I guess...



So.. For years i've been diagnosed with GAD and agoraphobia, but current psychiatrist added to my diagnosis heavy depression, possible psychotic symptoms, and borderline... i've checked list of borderline symptoms online and well many things makes sense to me now.. but i've got a question about suicidal behavior.. i feel suicidal sometimes, because im homebounded for 8 years already because of damn panic attacks so who wouldn't fall into such dark thoughts.. Never tried to harm myself though. But, for last few months I'm having moments when I have strong depersonalization, derealization, and feel kind of urges to kill myself? it's like external force would be pushing me strongly to jump from a balcony etc, I kind of 'see' in my imagination that i'm doing it etc.. It's creeps me out.. so anyway my question is, does something like that could come from borderline disorder? my dear grandpa passed away 19th march.. i'm still going crazy emotional, can't cope with loss.. jump from terrible grief into denial etc.. i wonder if not coping with loss of someone so close to me and borderline could cause this horrible feelings of external "force" pushing me?
My psychotherapist knows about it btw. he says he thinks i'm not psychotic, nor schizophrenic etc.. but I'm scared what if i'll lose control over myself and do something terrible someday? what if i'm possessed or crazy-crazy? so i'm looking for some i don't know, reassurance I guess...
I don't take any meds besides iodine for thyroid, tried antidepressants, ssri, benzo before but nothing ever worked for me well..