Suicidal tendencies is definitely something a lot of people with BPD can relate to. Personally I can really relate to what you said about seeing yourself do it, although perhaps each person's take on it may differ.


The way I do it is kind of like self-harm, I can picture myself do it, feel it, and it calms me down. I do it often somewhat against my will. Other than there were times when I had something like an attack, and I almost actually jumped out of my balcony. Why? I don't really know. It was a bit after my diagnosis and I just thought that it would make me feel or stop feeling, I don't even know. It was very confusing. I actually walked towards it thinking "whatever happens happens" when an inhumane cry from my apartment staircase made me jump and sort of got me out of that claustrophobic mindset. I still don't know what it was, but it did bring me back to earth.


It hasn't happened as strongly lately but I guess this experience helps. I'm not actually diagnosed with depression, I don't actually want to die. I just have periods when bad emotions get to strong and I want to shut them out.


I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. I hope this actually helps make you realize that you're not alone and a lot of us can feel what you're feeling too. But just because we have those emotions doesn't mean that we have to act on it. I know this might be a very controversial movie & thing to say in here, so take this with a grain of salt. If it helps you like it helped me, good! If not ignore this. I watched Girl Interrupted a day after my diagnosis and at one point the doctor who's caring for the BPD character tells her this "You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy." Maybe this is a very harsh thing to say, but it's kind of true for me. I'm smart enough to realise that self-harm of doing myself pain will not fix anything, but I still do it because it feels good. I need to take more control in my life and stop those loud voices because I do have the power to.