In the past, I’ve had a few female T’s, of all different ages. For whatever reason, those experiences were all terrible for me, though I don’t believe it was just because they were women.

I have “issues” with both men and women, and both genders of T’s have presented me with transference challenges. However the challenge varies not just by gender, but with each T’s personality and how it interacts with mine.

I’ve been with my male T now for about a year. It has not been easy, that’s for sure. I don’t feel like I’m fully comfortable and “open” yet. There have been ruptures. Yet I keep returning. I’m just now getting somewhat comfortable sitting there with him.

As far as I can tell, the magic is ... him, as a person. Not a man. Just a consistent person who is there and who doesn’t push me to be comfortable. Who doesn’t make me feel broken at times when I’m emotionally numb, and who is equally as welcoming to my tears and chaos. There’s no overreaction either way. Just this intensely calm acceptance. Through his eyes I see that everything I do is normal and rational given my history, yet he also is patiently waiting to help guide me to calmer waters. And he will just wait for me until I’m ready. Who is respectfully curious about me and who models that attitude for me, enabling me for the first time ever to be nonjudgmentally curious about myself and how I move through the world.

I’ve never had that with any previous therapist. It genuinely feels like a secure relationship in the strangest way. I think his way of doing therapy is very aligned with my personality.

I didn’t realize how much I appreciated him until I wrote this out, so thank you for giving me a space to do that.