Today was tricky.

I wanted to talk more about this idea of 'the edge' from last week but when I started to talk about it, he moved the conversation in another direction. I noticed and I told him. He said 'happy to go back to talking about the edge' and then looked at me blankly. His voice said 'happy to talk about it' his demeanor said 'not happy'. I pondered on my sense it didn't feel safe or okay to talk about ET. I told him and told me my sense of him. I told him about how a part of me says "nope" to talking about something when i feel unsafe and described that process to him. He said he found it interesting and he'd never heard anyone describe that process quite like that before, but he was aware we were getting further away from talking about the edge.
I said 'well what do you think about it? Its your metaphor'. He said something meaningless. I said 'but what is it?'. He thought for a moment and I said, you know what don't answer. I feel like I'm trying to make you vulnerable defensively to make me invulnerable. I talked about that a bit, and how it didn't feel good. T said he had an answer but he didn't know if it was helpful. I said we don't know unless you try. He said to him the edge is letting the unconscious aspect of this process take over.
I said I felt attracted to the idea of their being an edge.
I asked T about how he had felt about the fact that what I had said had been in the context of talking about a hug, and whether he had connected it to what I had been saying about the hug before i mentioned ET. T said "that you felt wanted?" I said yes.
I KNEW he had thought that. I told him I knew it. I said I felt it in your hug last week. He said what did you feel? I said 'hesitancy'. He nodded.
It upset me and annoyed me, because I don't like that my hypervigilance is so often right. And because I don't like him thinking that about something I meant in a really wholesome way. I don't like that he would have gone on wondering that, if I hadn't realised he was feeling that way. I just looked at him a long time. He said he thinks the hugs are part of the edge, because they are a way we communicate non-verbally. I teared up and put a tissue over my eyes. He said "there's something raw and painful about this". I wanted to say "well duh" but I stayed silent. He asked me if I could tell him what was happening. I said IDK.
We sat in silence for a while. We started talking again, not sure how, it's a bit of a blur, but he said something that really stressed me out. I'm gonna put it in TW here for ET and CSA

Anyway, my vision was weird, which happens when I am stressed, and we didn't get much further. I half didn't want to hug him, but I am getting on an aeroplane tomorrow so it felt important for some reason.

He hugged me really tightly, I guess to show me that he doesn't feel weird about hugging me.

I emailed him after and told him about the shame and things I had felt, as well as not liking his assumption (I didn't tell him about how I felt about the phrasing, thought that would be better as an in person discussion). I titled the email "just some stuff" and when he replied he had changed the title to "your important stuff". He apologised for missing what I needed today, and said he will reflect on it this week, because it often means he is missing something in him. He said probably some discomfort in disclosing something. He said he wanted to reiterate that my needs are fine, and I am okay, and he signed off "with love" which is very rare.

Feeling a bit emotionally tired.