I apologize this is probably going to be much too long. I plan on seeing a counselor as soon as I can get it on my schedule, but I just need feedback/support now.

My problem: I can’t feel anything. My brain feels like it's progressively shutting down.

Brief background: childhood depression and suicidal ideation, history of neglect/mild abandonment, trichotillomania, empath, ISTJ

As a kid I was always a feeler. I was so attached to people, I cared so much about them. My family was my whole world. I question if perhaps I never developed a strong sense of self due to that. I was a middle child in a large family. I did a lot to take care of my siblings. I always put others first. I became depressed and suicidal as a pre-teen because I felt abandoned and just felt like this world is so incredibly painful I couldn’t live through the pain. I learned how to cope with that as time went on.
College was a huge challenge. By a miracle, tons of stress, no sleep and no social life, and wrecked physical and social health, I made it through top of my class. I guess I was a perfectionist back then. Honestly college was pretty traumatic for my personality type. Also my program was very rigorous; that’s not an exaggeration.
I went through my share of heartbreaks. It always took about 2 years to heal.
The one that’s still messing me up started when I was 24. I went overseas, met a man, and was so confident he was the one. I had never felt this confidence. We dated long—distance 1.5 years as I finished my education. The agreement was we would have to live in his country, permanently. It was pretty grueling for me to leave everything behind. I had to un-piece myself — my dreams, my visions, my principles — and build myself back up with new ones, ones of us in his country. And I did. Right before I was supposed to go to his country to do the final push and make sure we wanted to get married, my dad was exposed in an affair. I went home to find my family in shambles. I still had young siblings. No one was taking care of them. My little brother, who is almost more of a son to me, I feared was suicidal— because I knew what that looked like. I felt obligated to help them — my family was everything to me. It was my principle not to abandon. My dad had always been an issue growing up, lots of daddy issues I had thought I had come to cope with. This was really a breaking point seeing my family dissolve though.
My fiancé was inpatient. He went from saying we needed a break, to then coming back like a hero saying he would come to my country and help me help them until things were stable enough for us to go back. I was elated. I could have married him that moment. But he started to backpedal. Three months later he never came. He left.
I’ve always held on to hope. I realize now hope is what kept me going through all the hard times. Hope gave me something to fight for. I thought he would come around, we would work out. But I couldn’t leave and let my brother kill himself. I’d never be able to get over that. So I held out hope. Five months go by, I learn his is engaged. He is married 10 months after leaving me. I can’t even describe the devastation. I’ve felt pain, and this pain was unbearable. I climbed mountains just to keep myself alive. It was the only thing that eased the pain.
Fast forward two years. I push through. I continue with my career. I push on. I never saw a counselor, but I cried, I talked to people, I thought I coped.
It is now 2.5 years. My life is a dream. I have my dream job and hold one of the best positions in my field, I live in a dream city in a dream townhome. I am dating a man, an longtime friend, who is so kind and loves me more than anyone ever could. And yet, I can’t feel any of it. As time went on, I realized I couldn’t feel things in my heart anymore. I can’t really feel emotions. All my life I’ve struggled with sadness, and now I can’t feel any of it — no sadness, no happiness, no love. I think I experience those emotions within my brain, like I logically acknowledge this event lends itself to love. But for someone who has always been a deep deep feeler, I can’t feel anything anymore. Anger though. I think I feel anger. It’s like my heart is just eradicated. Gone.
To add to it my cognition seems to be following. I can’t concentrate at work. Tasks that should be simple feel monumental and take me forever, mostly cognitive tasks involving computer work. I can’t hold a conversation with people. When my boyfriend (I big talker, and I’m fairly quiet) talks to me, I just feel myself shutting down. I don’t have much to say other than generic responses “wow”, “that’s crazy”, etc. Impulse control and discipline has gone out the window, sweets, social media, reading seem to be serious addictions. My hair-pulling habits are terrible, but those have always been a struggle. I still love my family, but I can’t even feel that. I just know that logically, I do. Even my boyfriend, I don’t really feel much when we’re intimate or cuddling. I want to feel emotion towards him, but I “feel” it only with my head.
I just hate it. I have everything I could ever want right now. I want to succeed in my job. I want to give my boyfriend the love he deserves. I want to feel again. My eyes have always been so deep, and now they are just empty. I want to have depth and be a beautiful person again.
Lately I’ve been thinking a factor that might be effecting me is in that experience I lost hope. So much was wrapped up in that relationship. I rebuilt myself, my hope, my faith, my dreams, my beliefs were even built into it. And it all broke. I broke. My spirit broke.
Like I said I’ve always had issues. I think abandonment early in life for a ‘feeler’ effected me in ways. Trich as a kid, depression, etc. I’ve always had skin issues, menstrual problems, and lately rashes, fevers, and occasional stomach aches as well as the mental things like apathy, emptiness, brain fog, anxiety. My hormones all tested normal. I think there could be a physiologic component but it’s probably all mental/spiritual.
Anybody else experienced this loss of emotions of brain shutting down? What do I need to do?
TIA