Interesting post Dazed and Confused. Thank you.

Personally, I think of this in two ways. One is letting go. The other is forgiveness. Letting go is my goal for every hurt and injury I have ever experienced from another human being. For me, letting go is essential to a healthy and peaceful existence. Though letting go is not equal to forgiveness. Not even close.

In my perception, forgiveness is something much more elevated and spiritual (not in a religious sense) and gracious. It is not required; it is an ideal. For example, I was mugged by a stranger in the street many years ago. It was painful and terrifying and temporarily altered my perception of the world and of humanity. Over time, I learned to let go of the pain and anger and confusion. Though it was only recently that I was able to honestly say that I have forgiven the young guy who mugged me. I consciously think of him sometimes and wish him peace and good health...wish him a safer path in life.

I have not forgiven some people who have hurt me deeply. I find that much harder to do when the connection was close (as in family) and naturally the pain or scar is deeper. But at least each day I work on the letting go part.

I do not believe in grudges. Or vengeance. Or punishment. I believe these are only delusions which harm one's own spirit. They also, whether intended or not, contribute to the very worst aspects of society. I do not want to contribute to those aspects. I honestly don't have a desire to. I'll give a less extreme example. Have you ever seen a mother reprimanding her child for hitting his sibling while she hits him herself? I've seen this so many times. "Stop *whack Hitting.*whack Your.*whack Brother *whack! She is telling her child to be peaceful and not hit while simultaneously taking away his own peace by hitting him. It doesn't make any sense. And you know I could give much more disturbing examples from our world today.

That said, we also do not want to be in the business of suppressing our own natural emotions. Anger is not wrong. Neither is sorrow or disappointment or shock or pain. Endeavoring to bypass or avoid such feelings is not letting go. Nor is it forgiveness. The bypass is equally destructive to spirit. We should not put others' needs before our own. Our responsibility is to our own self...body, mind, and spirit. Part of that is allowing ourselves to be authentic...to feel the hurt and pain. There can be no true letting go or forgiveness without first allowing our own feelings to exist.

Though as I said, forgiveness is on another level entirely from letting go. I'm okay with myself if I don't forgive every single hurt (though I like to work toward it). But I'm not okay with never letting go...as in perpetual anger and bitterness and self-pity. There is no peace or health to be found there. It's a prison for spirit. It also harms the people around us....people who had nothing to do with the hurtful action. Have you ever felt safe or peaceful around a bitter person? The energy transmits.

Your example:
throwing yourself back into the harmful people that hurt you in the first place or denial of any wrong-doings occurring in the first place.

This I would *not recommend to anyone. This is not letting go. Nor is it forgiveness. This would be a denial of self, an abuse of self, and a barrier to authenticity and peace and health.

How can you tell if you have forgiven someone?
You are able to sincerely wish them (and those they love) peace and joy and health. You feel closer to self and Universe as a result. This does *not mean a denial of the wrongdoing or abusing self by signing up for more hurt.

How can you tell if you have let go?
You work through the anger and resentment and pain and allow the feelings to fade...not right away or easily but with work and time. When you let go, you feel healthier and more peaceful.

What to do if you don't feel you can let go?
Focus on self. Healthy, well-developed self will let go...that is what it naturally wants to do in time. Underdeveloped or ignored or suppressed self can lead to grudges etc. It takes self-esteem to let go of hurts. That's the key: honor and strengthen the self.

Someone said carrying a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. Something to think about.

Just my thoughts. How I try to live my life as best I can. These are very sophisticated concepts for us humans. They are not simple or easy for any of us. I don't know if you have reached this point in life yet, but anything that was really worth doing in my life was extremely difficult. I think letting go is worth the effort. And forgiveness, well that's a deeply rich bonus if you see what I mean.

I also have this notion....I've no idea if there's research to back it up...but perhaps I am more likely to be forgiven for my mistakes if I make a regular practice of letting go of hurts from others. At the very least, it's an awful lot easier to forgive myself when I'm not making it my mission to be judge and jury of everyone else.

Peace to you You deserve it.