Quote:
Originally Posted by TunedOut
It sounds like you love her. We can love people but recognize that we are unable to help. My POV is our relationships with our parents are complicated by the emotional connections made with them when we were too young to even understand it all. That makes it so that the subconscious emotions between us get in the way of the relationship some of the time. Or perhaps there are unresolved issues that cannot easily be resolved. Once you are 18, you have a right to make your life be what you want it to be.
Be respectful when you are with her, but whenever she is triggering, politely leave, hang up the phone, etc. Check in but only check in as much as you can handle. It could be once a month (I cannot determine that as it is a very individual thing). Do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Taking the time to take care of yourself is the best gift you can give to your mother. It can be hard to handle an anxious person if you are also unwell. I do not know if you are unwell, only saying that, as an anxious person, I know that I can be challenging to deal with sometimes. Hugs.  |
Thank you so much for your perspective and suggestions.
I wish my mother thought like you do and realized my self care is important. I've tried for over a decade or more to have an adult relationship with her, but there is emotional complexity that probably will never be resolved. I don't think she struggles with anxiety. I've never seen signs of it. The major issue with our relationship is uses guilt to try to get me to take responsibility or help her with her marriage, our family problems and home issues. I dread hearing from her or visiting because there is always some crisis that she makes me feel like I should be helping with -- as a good son. It doesn't matter if I check in or not. She texts, emails, and calls weekly. When I visited earlier this week, she got angry at me because I wouldn't agree to do something that would probably cause me to lose my job.
Hugs to you, TunedOut.