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Jun 06, 2019, 11:59 AM
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This is a bit of a nuanced subject, but I'll try to make it as clear as I can while also giving it the depth it deserves, and will probably fail at both. 
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche
Um, that's 100% wrong. When someone tells you "it's fine if you don't like me," or tells you how to feel -- that is covert verbal abuse.
The other thread I started about immature adults and that guy who no-showed on me, who told me that "it's your choice if you don't want to be friends with me," is why I started this thread.
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And here's where it gets tricky...
What you're talking about is called "gaslighting," or rather, it's one method of gaslighting with the larger goal of weakening, and then controlling, the subject's emotions. It's definitely a real thing, and I'd agree that Mr. NoShow sounds like a manipulative person.
Except this line: "It's fine if you don't like me." That bit, I just can't agree that it's manipulative.
Allow me to draw some distinctions. Gaslighting occurs when an abuser attempts to control another's emotional state, to invalidate their feelings by making those feelings seem trivial or exaggerated or whatever else. In which case, him telling you that you overreacted is a form of gaslighting. To be clear, I wouldn't armchair diagnose him as a narcissist based only on that one instance, but it seems like this is a pattern of behavior for this guy, so I'd at least be wary of it.
By contrast, when he tells you "it's fine if you don't like me," then he is validating your feelings. He's giving you control and space, allowing you to decide how you feel about him and what to do about it. To be fair, it does seem like it's coming from an angry and defensive place for him, but it doesn't change the fact that he's handing over the reigns to you.
And considering his other behaviors, it's probably best that you did step away from the relationship. Even if that bit isn't manipulative, I think some of his other behavior was.
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1. I think verbal abuse is a real thing, 2. that is DOES indicate that the person who uses it, IS A BAD PERSON, and 3. there is no justification that someone who uses covert verbal abuse is a good person.
I am SO relieved that I blocked that guy from my cellphone and Facebook and ended my connection with him permanently.
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1. Agreed.
2. If it's a consistent pattern of behavior, I'd agree that the perpetrator is a person to be avoided for one's own mental health.
3. Disagreed. Human behavior is rarely so simple, and there's a plethora of different reasons as to why someone becomes manipulative. However, unless you're a therapist who is treating the manipulative person, I hardly think it's in your best interest to continue dealing with the manipulative person in the long term. It's in your best interest to stay away from that person so as not to be affected by their behavior. In which case, does it really matter why they're doing it? (Because, if you really want to know, that subject has filled entire books).
I'm glad you've cut this person out of your life. He doesn't sound like a very good person, and it doesn't seem he's willing to change anytime soon.
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The question is, how do we recognize covert verbal abuse right away?
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Well ... hehe ... Maybe a lengthy discussion on that deserves its own post, and maybe even its own thread. Suffice it to say, it's no simple task. If you'd like to know, however, I'd be more than willing to discuss it at length.
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