I'm sorry for this struggle, whatever it is. I can share that I, too, was going down the rabbit hole of reading, posting, thinking, investigating, questioning, needing to know, needing to understand or deny or confirm, etc....and it landed me right where I was headed. The rabbit hole. I have had to *stop* doing all that investigating because it was very upsetting for my already confused self. Since I have some medical stuff I've had to attend to...my T and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to attend to that stuff, create some safe communication for any parts known or unknown, and to try and relax the death grip I had on needing to KNOW everything. My point is sometimes we poke the bear and make things worse by reading, looking, comparing.
FearLess47