It's been 2 months since I laid eyes on him. I've no desire to see him again. (Neither do the kids.)

Life's easier, really, without him around. The kids & I aren't constantly trying to manage his emotions... we don't have to worry about the stuipd STUFF that would set him off.... The kids & I have found our balance, and it's like it's always been just us.

I start work next week... (Wish me luck -- it looks like a good job.)

So suddenly, today, I find myself grieving him like he were dead.

We were together for 15 years, married 14....A lot of it was good. Most of it, maybe. But.

Last time I saw my shrink, she asked if I had any desire to see him again. I was very quick/firm in my "no". And then I said the best thing he could do for us would be to die.

If he died, we could move on with our lives.... the kids & I could remember the good & forget the bad. It would simplify so much....

That's not at all the same as me wishing him dead, mind you. It's just admitting that yeah, it would be a lot SIMPLER than the coming months & years are going to be. (Not to mention, things would be simpler financially, as well.)

So today, better part of a week later, suddenly, I'm both overwhelmed with everything that's coming up, and.... grieving.

For all those moments... you know?

I still don't want to see him again.... ever. (I know, I'll have to... )

But that doesn't mean I wasn't in love with him, once. That he couldn't be amazing when he wanted to be. That there weren't times when we just FIT....

*sigh*

And, of course, I don't get to show any of this in fron to f the kids. Because I'm Mom, and I have to keep it together... Because me being able to handle whatever gets thrown at us is what gets THEM through. My firstborn is having anxiety attacks already... I need to be her rock.

And now, in the midst of her having anxiety attacks, I am going to start work. To be away, for huge chunks of the day. *sigh* (I start Monday. Did I say already?)

Whole thing is a mess, and my emotions are so mixed up right now..... Just needed somepalce safe and anonymous to come let some of it out.