I had quite a few problems when I was in elementary school and my parents never really fought for me like you might expect them too. I had speech problems to the point where very few people understood me. This resulted in me refusing to read out loud and getting held back. They didn't think I knew how to read. A few years after this I got diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. My parents decided not to deal with it and ignore the issue. They had the mentality that I would figure it out and it was better not to talk about it. As a result of this, I questioned whether I had actually been diagnosed with or had made it up for a lot of my life. I questioned whether anything was wrong if I was just crazy until I found the paperwork confirming I was diagnosed and everything in 12th grade.

Overall, I have basically figured it out. I did okay in high school and do well in college. My speech improved dramatically so that it's not noticeable I ever had a speech impediment and I am doing okay. But things take me so long to do. It can take me 5 hours to write a one-page paper or an hour to read a chapter. I saw a Ted talk about it the other day and it never really hit me that other people don't have a million thoughts going through their mind constantly and that people can go start to finish with a task. I also have some other problems my friends have pointed out. I'm a huge control freak and tend to get devastated when things don't go the way I plan and my one friend thinks I have anxiety. I also have a lot of stuff in my childhood that may be good to discuss with someone.

The problem is I can't convince myself to go. It takes A LOT to convince myself to go to the doctor or dentist when something physically hurts. I don't think I can convince myself to go to a psychologist or therapist. Every time I try to make an appointment I talk myself out of it. I'm scared their gonna judge me. I'm scared it will be too hard to open up and be honest or that they are going to look at me and tell me nothing is wrong and that I'm stupid for coming in. I am not sure I can stop myself from pretending to be okay. It feels like asking for help puts me out of control but at the same time, I wonder. I wonder what it would be like to talk about my past and not have a million thoughts going through my mind at all times. It feels unfair to my family and friends for not going as I often take things out on them but I don't know how to get over my anxiety enough to get me there.

I'm also a really busy person. I work full time and go to school full time. Next semester I am going to get even busier. I'm worried about how I am going to cope with emotionally and mentally.

(I'm sorry if that was messy. I typed it out rather quickly just to get it out (and not chicken out of writing it.))