Amazing, INCREDIBLE, how much you've been able to do for yourself. Where did you find the strength? And you have FRIENDS! Congratulations!

Perhaps you can start by posting a little more about your difficulties here. It might help you to start opening up some of this stuff a bit and hearing reaction from others on the forum, protected by your anonymity. Possibly with their suggestions it could open the way for you a little bit more and make it easier for you to seek help from a therapist if you decide to. You might, for example, get some feedback about what takes place in therapy and how to go about it, how to process it.

Best wishes!! ((((HUGS))))