T yesterday (saw him Monday, too, but that session was pretty much entirely about my marriage, so not writing that up). There was something I wanted to bring up with him, but I was anxious about it, so I just chatted about how the past few days had gone, which had included having a nice lunch with a friend and watching the (previous week's) Project Runway with H (as part of trying to spend more time with him). Which led T to ask if I watched much reality TV, and I said mostly competition stuff, like Top Chef and Amazing Race, not like "Real Housewives" or Kardashians or stuff like that. T: "This is a safe place, you can admit things here." Me: "OK, occasionally, H and I watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette." T (joking): "There, don't you feel better now sharing that!" Me: "I guess..." T: "Are we just going to talk about TV and movies the whole time?" Me: "No, sorry about that." T: "Why are you apologizing? I was contributing just as much to it." Me: "True!"

I mentioned the comment I'd made at the end of last session about maybe talking about reducing sessions soon--I'd then emailed him to say "never mind." Me: "I think I partly made that comment to see what it felt like when I said it." T: "And it didn't feel right?" Me: "Felt OK in that moment, but then I got all weepy later." Talked a bit more about that, which led him to share the three 1-week vacations he's taking this summer. So those could be tests of sorts to see how I do. T: "You know, reducing your sessions--that's not the sole indicator of your making progress. Because you are making progress. But maybe twice a week is part of why?" Me: "Yeah, I wondered that, like maybe I'm doing better in part because of that." T said he had a client who's doing great but still seems him weekly because they think therapy helps them stay that way. T said how much mental health can affect the rest of your life, so he thinks therapy is important. Me: "Of course you might be a bit biased about that." T: "Just a tiny bit."

I said there was something I wanted to bring up but was nervous to do so. T: "It's your hour." Me: "OK, so...I guess, some of this is probably about ex-MC acting differently toward me after I talked about certain transference things with him. Like he'd say he was fine with me at the time, then be weird the next session. So...I think I'm really hypervigilant about that sort of thing." T: "OK." Me: "And I guess...in the time I've talked more to you about my transference the past few weeks...it's like the email replies you've given me since then have been really short. I mean, it might just be that you were really busy." T: "I may have been on my phone." Me: "Yeah, for the one you said that , and I totally understand. I think I just worry that it's you backing away, like" [I made the x sign with my fingers, as in "get away"]. T: "I'm certainly not doing that intentionally."

Me: "Or I guess I wondered if you were trying to get me to email less by doing that. Like make your replies less satisfying, so I'd be less inclined to email you." T: "I don't think I'm smart enough to do something like that. It seems rather devious." Me: "You'd be smart enough, but..." T: "Right but I don't see how it would help if I did that." Me: "Yeah, I'd want you to talk about it. I guess I just sort of worry you were seeing my emails and were like, 'Ugh, not LT again.'" T: "I can assure you I've never thought that." Me: "OK, good." T: "And remember, if it did bother me, what would happen?" Me: "We'd talk about it?" T: "You've got it."

Me: "The thing is...I was talking to a friend about it, and your replies recently *did* give me what I needed. I mean, I said I was worried about your reaction to something, and you reassured me." T: "Yes, I think I said 'all is well.'" Me: "Yes. And it's like...what else was I looking for exactly? It doesn't seem fair to say you didn't give me what I wanted...when I can't even say what it is that I wanted, because maybe I don't know. And I think that's an issue for me with other people, too, that I feel they haven't given me enough, but how can I tell them that if I don't even know what exactly I'm looking for from them?" Talked briefly about that.

Me (crying): "I guess sometimes I just worry that I'm like a bottomless pit of needs." T: "Is it that you think that about yourself or you think I or other people think that?" Me: "I guess both?" T: "I don't think that." Me: "OK, good. I feel like most people in my life probably don't think that because I don't express all my needs to them. With you, I'm more likely to express the needs because...like, you know what's in my head."

T: "With your emails...I can tell that what you write me is just the tip of the iceberg." Me: "Yeah, I try to keep it as short and direct as I can." T: "Which makes it more likely you'll get the answer you want." Me: "Yeah." T: "What I meant by the tip of the iceberg is...when I see what you've written me, I know there's a lot more behind that. Time you spent thinking about it, maybe an email draft you didn't spend, time talking to friends, trying to not email me." Me: "Yes, maybe listening to music...a couple beers." T: "When I'm replying, I'm trying to be cognizant of that and of your distress. It seems particularly intense if it's something about the relationship." Me: "Yeah." T: "And it's like I feel...'pity' isn't the right word, that's too strong. But I'm sorry that you're in distress and want to say what I can to relieve that in the moment." Me: "Thanks for explaining that."

T: "Also without really taking therapy into email and turning it into a back and forth exchange." Me: "I get that." T: "And I'm trying to be mindful of length so that I won't have to charge you for emails. Because I know that stresses you out. So I don't want you to have to worry about that. I'm trying to keep you in the green." Me: "I appreciate that."

Me: "Thanks for explaining all that. I think I just worry that...you've seemed really accepting of the transference stuff lately, and I keep worrying you'll change back to how you were like a year ago." (I started crying again.) Me: "Like I was cleaning and found this printout of your email reply from like a year ago about the stone...where you said something like, 'I guess I'll just have to try to learn to be comfortable talking about transference,' and it was like your discomfort was jumping off the page. I mean, you seem to understand more now, but I worry you'll just suddenly change your mind."

T: "I do feel like focusing too much on the therapeutic relationship can keep you from working on other things. But I don't feel like you've been doing that so much lately." Me: "Yeah, I guess even in talking about the transference a couple weeks ago, it was more in relation to other things from my past." T: "Yes, and it helped me realize that, even stuff about me is not so much about you and me as about patterns in your life. And how working with that and working through those can help you." Me: "OK, good."

T: "As you know, one of my goals for you is for you to see yourself as more of an equal in relationships. And for you to see your value in them." Me: "I guess this relationship is a weird one for that because...I mean, my main value to you is money. I'd like to think it's something more than that, but..." T looked thoughtful for a minute, then said, "Well, you're interesting." Me: "Yeah, I guess I haven't put you to sleep in session yet!" T laughed and agreed. Me: "I suppose if I start doing that, it will probably be time to start reducing sessions."

It was time to stop. Confirmed next week's sessions. I said it had really helped to talk about all this. T said he was glad. As I went over to pay, T said, "Can I ask you something?" Me: "Sure?" He said he had a client who hadn't seen in 10 years who had put him on this email list for a charity. And he wondered if it was OK for him to ask him to take him off the list or if he should just keep deleting the emails as he has been. I said I thought would be OK to ask him to take him off list, that he'd probably forgotten he was on there. T: "OK, I'm going to tell him that LT said it was OK!" Me: "See, you can't, confidentiality!" T smiled. I have no idea why he asked me for advice on that (he's asked me about an editing thing before, but that's my job). Shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend. It's supposed to be nice out." Me: "Oh it is? You too." T: "Take care." Me: "You too."

It was a really good session, and I'm glad I brought up a few concerns. T's explanations about the recent emails and the stuff about how he sees transference now was helpful to hear. And it was nice to know he thinks I'm "interesting."