Yesterday's therapy session was long. It felt like time suspended, and we fit two or three hours into that one-hour space. The nutshell version...

I talked about seeing the kids' dad's therapist, and feeling overwhelmed and not sure how well I'd been able to present what I needed to say and what my goals were. That t had mentioned that he might try "pushing" a little when we both met with him, and I realized that I didn't really know what that meant, so I asked my t what she thought it might mean. She gave me some insight and ideas for how to approach the joint session.

Then, I started to talk about simultaneously wanting to please and wanting to help, and feeling like "Oh hell, no," and thinking "This isn't the time," and feeling overwhelmed as those thoughts log-jammed, but that ultimately the work I'd done around the distress and the stories had been been empowering and what I'd taken from that experience, both around moving forward and learning about right where the edges are, my boundaries.
Me: I was distressed when I left that appointment, pretty overwhelmed. Later I realized that there was a time when I would have needed to share all of those stories to validate my experiences, to make sure that he knew the truth because who knows what the kids' dad has told him? But I don't need to, or even want to, because I know it's not time for that, and because *I* know the truth. I believe myself.

T: I am so.... I don't even have one word for it. Inspired. Honored. Humbled. (And a couple other words.) You've graduated from therapy.
And then we talked about that for a while. I knew what she meant, not that I'm done coming to therapy, but that I've reached a point of healing and stability and trust in my self that I've been working toward for a long time. As a matter of fact, later, when it was time to finish, she told me that she didn't mean I should stop coming, and I said that I knew that, she's stuck with me for a while longer.

After that, I talked about how reaching that point was a balance for the other side of the coin, and I just came out with it, the sense of being deeply damaged in a way that can't be fixed.
T: I want to change just one word for you. You're not damaged, you're injured.
Me: Yes. Thank you. I do know that here (pointing to my head), but I feel it. I can know all of the things about being strong and healing and finding my self, but I still feel (pointing to my gut) damaged. I feel like there's something wrong with me.
As I talked, I could see her suddenly "get it." Her body language and expression shifted, and she just sat and listened. Witnessed. Really heard what I was saying, and as I talked and she didn't tell me how amazing my work has been or how strong I am, but just. listened. and held that for me, I felt such a sense of relief. I think I hadn't shared it that deeply ever, because that feeling needed to be heard and accepted completely as a real part of my experience.
Then we talked about healing and how some things never heal completely and we are left with scars, and that's real.

There was even more, but those moments together in the session feel like they balanced, brought alignment somehow, like tumblers in a lock clicking together or finding some of the last pieces of a puzzle.

No wonder I was exhausted afterward.