Sigh...Well, I did it again today. I ran away from another man. I mean that almost literally. I probably would have ran and not just walked if I wouldn't have caused a scene.

Here's a little background. I tend to be uncomfortable around men (I'm a woman). I used to be down right afraid of them. Since I was so afraid I would avoid them as much as I could even as a kid. I did this especially if the guy happened to express any kind of romantic interest (even though in some cases I was interested too). I know that this stems from fears and dysfunction with my father and brother (but mostly my father). It also stems from bad experiences with some guys (though I realize now that it's not all men just those men). I mean the anxiety was so bad that I wouldn't even get in the check out line with a male clerk. If it was a man I would change lines. I would get anxiety if a man answered when I called a business. Just SO much anxiety.

I've gotten a little bit better, but I still struggle with some anxiety with men. And you know what? I absolutely hate that I'm this way. I did it again today. A man that goes to the mental health place I attend sat at my table for lunch. He's nice enough and we've chit chat before, but I immediately thought of an excuse to get up and walk away because I was so anxious. I think I was so anxious because I think he might have some feelings for me, and I just cannot deal. I do want to be in a relationship so my behavior and anxiety is rather distressing.

Anyway, I got up and walked away telling myself that I wanted an apple that I didn't really want but ate anyway so I could escape (and I probably looked odd because I literally just got up and walked away without saying anything). When I came back to the table for lunch he had moved. I felt so bad. For one I hate this anxiety which I know is due to Complex PTSD from childhood trauma. Secondly, I can't know for sure, but I really hope I didn't offend him. Everyone there struggles with mental illness so he probably doesn't think I'm weird or anything. I just felt like such an idiot. For once I would like to be able to just say hi and not freak out. I want to push myself to say hello and try to make conversation next time. Ugh. Oy vey.