I am sorry you are struggling so much. All I can offer is to say, hang in there as things may get much better in the future. I had many, many years of torment and mental torture due to this illness and now I am free. I know it may not last but at least I am having a long break. Right now you need all the support you can lay your hands on, including coping skills for the times when no one else can help. Please keep posting if it helps you. We care.